The DUD MLB Midseason Report: American League

max scherzer

by Tommy Gimler

If you had Baltimore’s Chris Davis hitting 30 home runs through 82 games, you’re a fucking liar. Likewise, nobody pegged his teammate Manny Machado to be on pace to break the Major League record for doubles in a season. Through 79 games, Detroit’s Miguel Cabrera has 81 RBI. His teammate Max Scherzer became the first pitcher since Roger Clemens in 1986 to begin a season 12-0. And we still don’t know anybody on the Astros’ roster.

Yeah, the first half of the 2013 MLB season has been almost as exciting as a Kate Upton slow motion titty bounce. But if you’ve been wasting your time tuning into David Stern’s fixed league or just made parole, here’s what you missed:

AL East

Boston Red Sox – 49-34, 1st place

On pace for: 96-66 (OVER 79.5 wins)

Oh fuck yeah – The Red Sox have four qualifying players hitting at least .295, including Dustin Pedroia, who is batting .325 despite tearing a ligament in his hand on Opening Day. As a result, Boston leads the AL with a +79 run differential. It also doesn’t hurt that John Lackey has an ERA under three. Yes, that John Lackey…

Oh shit – Boston’s closer situation is shakier than Michael J. Fox. Hanrahan is out for the year, Bailey flat out blows, and Uehara, well, who in the hell is Koji Uehara? And if the Sox are going to stay on top of the AL East, they’ll need Clay Buchholz to get healthy yesterday…

Baltimore Orioles – 46-36, 2nd place

On pace for: 90-72 (OVER 76.5 wins)

Oh fuck yeah – Only the Red Sox (426) have scored more runs than the Orioles (406) this year, thanks in part to monster years from Chris Davis and Manny Machado. Adam Jones, Nick Markakis, J.J. Hardy, and Matt Wieters have combined to hit 48 home runs, which seems like a lot until you notice that Davis has hit 30 all by himself…

Oh shit – If the Orioles’ hitting is the equivalent to two college coeds scissoring each other on your futon, then their pitching staff is the equivalent to somehow getting syphilis from your cat. Their 4.49 ERA is the second-worst mark in the AL, and top pitching prospect Dylan Bundy found out last week that he’ll need Tommy John surgery…

New York Yankees – 42-38, 3rd place

On pace for: 86-76 (UNDER 86.5 wins)

Oh fuck yeah – The Yankees being over .500 at the halfway point is about as surprising as Taylor Swift being the owner of multiple Grammys, especially when you consider that not one qualifying player is hitting over .290…

Oh shit – On May 15th, Vernon Wells was hitting .301 with 10 home runs. He is currently hitting .224 with 10 home runs. Not surprisingly, since May 15th, the Yanks have lost 23 of their 40 games and are fading faster than the Jonas Brothers…

Tampa Bay Rays – 42-39, 4th place

On pace for: 84-78 (UNDER 86 wins)

Oh fuck yeah – Hey, the Rays are scoring runs this year! Their 371 runs are the ninth-most in all of baseball, and their slugging percentage of .419 is seventh-best. Since being called up in mid-June, Wil Myers has hit safely in ten of his twelve games…

Oh shit – Hey, the Rays are pitching like shit this year! Their 4.22 ERA is tenth-worst in the AL, and David Price has been almost as worthless Lil Wayne. And after giving up 15 earned runs over his first 11 starts, Matt Moore has been a turd over his last five, yielding 23 earned runs in just 24 2/3 innings…

Toronto Blue Jays – 40-40, 5th place

On pace for: 81-81 (UNDER 86.5 wins)

Oh fuck yeah – Only the Orioles have hit more home runs than the Blue Jays. Five different Jays have at least 11 home runs, including Jose Bautista, who has hit multiple bombs in a game four times this year. Edwin Encarnacion is having an MVP season, hitting 23 home runs with 66 RBI. But unless Miguel Cabrera and Chris Davis disrespect Aaron Hernandez in a Boston nightclub, he has no shot at winning the award…

Oh shit – Toronto’s starting pitching blows, as only Minnesota has a worse ERA and fewer quality starts among American League starting pitching. Mark Buehrle and R.A. Dickey have given up at least five earned runs a combined twelve times this year. The team has lost four of six after their 11-game winning streak, and 14 of their next 17 games are against teams with a winning record…

AL Central

Detroit Tigers – 43-36, 1st place

On pace for: 88-74 (UNDER 90 wins)

Oh fuck yeah: If skipper Jim Leyland is trying to quit smoking this summer, having the best hitter (Cabrera) and pitcher (Scherzer) on his roster should help. And who put a quarter in Jhonny Peralta? He might spell his first name like a retard, but he’s the good kind of special at the plate this year, hitting .316 with an OBP of .373…

Oh shit – Everybody is talking about Detroit’s lack of a closer, but how about the lack of excellence out of Justin Verlander’s right arm? The 2011 AL MVP has suddenly become ordinary at best, posting an 8-5 record with an ERA of 3.77 and WHIP of 1.40 this year. To be honest, he hasn’t been the same since he stopped titty fucking Kate Upton, but then again, neither would we…

Cleveland Indians – 43-38, 2nd place

On pace for: 86-76 (OVER 77.5 wins)

Oh fuck yeah - Since a Taylor Swift-horrific 17-game stretch in which the Indians lost 14, the Tribe hasn’t lost a series. They have absolutely pounded the White Sox like a Las Vegas hooker’s hump hole this season, taking six of eight from the South Side turds. But their greatest success has come against teams out west, winning twelve of fourteen against AL West opponents…

Oh shit – The Indians have lost five in a row against the Tigers, and they still have eleven games remaining against them, including a huge four-game set next weekend at home. We’ll see if that’s enough of an incentive for “fans” to fill Progressive Field at more than 41.8% capacity, by far the worst mark in baseball…

Kansas City Royals – 37-41, 3rd place

On pace for: 77-85 (UNDER 79 wins)

Oh fuck yeah - Kansas City’s 3.53 ERA is tops in the AL thanks to resurrected turds like Ervin Santana. After leading all of baseball last year with 39 home runs allowed, the former Angels starter is having a much better go of it this season. He’s still on pace to give up 28 bombs, but his 2.74 ERA is the fourth-best mark in the AL and his .226 BAA is seventh-best…

Oh shit – Is it just us, or wasn’t Eric Hosmer supposed to be good? Hosmer has just six home runs this year, fewer than Yuniesky Betancourt, Juan Francisco, and James Loney. Matt Adams has just as many home runs as Hosmer in almost 200 fewer at-bats. Todd Helton has just as many bombs and he’s like 74 years old. Hosmer obviously blows, but not as much as Ned Yost…

Minnesota Twins – 36-41, 4th place

On pace for: 76-86 (OVER 64.5 wins)

Oh fuck yeah - Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau are finally both healthy and leading the Twins in hits for the first time since 2008. Glen Perkins anchors a bullpen whose 2.87 ERA is good for second-best in the AL, and the defense behind them has committed the fourth fewest errors in the bigs…

Oh shit - Imagine how many wins Minnesota would have piled up if their starting pitching wasn’t absolute pig shit. Twins starters have compiled the fewest amount of quality starts and the worst ERA in all of baseball, making them the only team in baseball with worse starting pitching than the Milwaukee Brewers…

Chicago White Sox – 32-46, 5th place

On pace for: 66-96 (UNDER 80.5 wins)

Oh fuck yeah - So much for the Alex Rios “odd year curse.” The White Sox outfielder is currently hitting .272 and on pace to club 23 home runs and steal 29 bases. Jesse Crain yielded an earned run tonight for the first time since April 12th, and that’s, well, that’s just fucking impressive…

Oh shit - Every other White Sox hitter can eat my ass, although Adam Dunn is on pace to whiff just 193 times. Only the Mariners hitters have produced fewer runs than the Sox. And not one qualifying hitter has a batting average over .280, so I guess technically nobody on the White Sox qualifies as a hitter…

AL West

Texas Rangers – 47-34, 1st place

On pace for: 94-68 (OVER 87 wins)

Oh fuck yeah - So, this Yu Darvish cat is kind of good, hey? Darvish leads all of baseball with 151 strikeouts, 19 more than Matt Harvey and 20 more than Max Scherzer. His 2.80 ERA is 8th among AL starters, and his WHIP of 1.01 is 4th. Amid the Biogenesis accusations, Nelson Cruz has clubbed 20 home runs and driven in 60 runs. And let’s be honest. When you’re having trouble finding room on the diamond for Jurickson Profar, your team is pretty fucking solid…

Oh shit - In 32 combined starts, Darvish and Derek Holland have 20 of the quality variety. In 29 combined starts, Nick Tepesch and Justin Grimm have 10. Tepesch has yielded at least five earned runs in one-third of his starts, and Grimm is an even bigger turd, sporting an ERA of 9.00 in the month of June…

Oakland Athletics – 47-35, 2nd place

On pace for: 93-69 (OVER 83 wins)

Oh fuck yeah - Yoenis Cespedes’s name might sound like a sick, twisted sex move but the dude is on pace to hit 29 home runs. Brandon Moss and Josh Donaldson might be the best hitting combo nobody outside of Oakland has heard of. Shit, people in Oakland probably don’t know who these guys are, and they have hit a combined 26 home runs, scored 80, and driven in 92…

Oh shit – Who do think is more likely to pull an oblique while dropping a deuce, Troy Tulowitzki or Oakland’s Brett Anderson? Never heard of him? That’s because the mother fucker is always hurt. A’s hitters have fanned 627 times, fifth most in the AL. Moss is the leading culprit, having whiffed 82 times (more than Rickie Weeks, so that’s pretty brutal) Oh, and Bartolo Colon is juicing…

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim – 39-43, 3rd place

On pace for: 76-86 (UNDER 89.5)

Oh fuck yeah - The Angels are finally heating up, winning their last six games to pull within four games of the .500 mark. Sure, the last three were against the Astros, so it was like beating a kid in a wheelchair in a game of beach volleyball. But even that was difficult for the Angels to pull off a month ago. I’ve said it before, and I have no problem saying it over and over. Mike Trout can run a train on my sister, and I’d probably watch. His line at the halfway point? .315 average, .938 OPS, 25 doubles, 6 triples, 57 runs, 52 RBI, 13 home runs, and 20 stolen bases. Ugh, I need to change my shorts…

Oh shit - He won’t stop talking about his savior, but for the love of Jesus Fucking Christ, can somebody get Josh Hamilton a tin of Kodiak already? A .223 batting average? 81 strikeouts? 29 RBI? 10 home runs for the season and just 2 in his last 32 games? Christ almighty. And if you know how to get ahold of Joe Blanton, even though he won his first game in over a month last night (2-10, 5.07 ERA on the year), tell him to still reach out to me so we can set up a place where we can meet so he can eat my ass…

Seattle Mariners – 35-47, 4th place

On pace for: 70-92 (UNDER 76.5 wins)

Oh fuck yeah - The best 1-2 starting pitching combo in baseball resides in Seattle. Felix Hernandez and Hisashi Iwakuma have been throwing the ol’ orange ball in their opponents’ mouths and dominating them in the first half. In 232 innings pitched so far, the pair has given up only 66 earned runs (2.56 ERA). They have also combined for 15 wins, 224 strikeouts, and a WHIP smaller than Natalie Portman’s jugs (0.99)…

Oh shit - Unfortunately for Mariners fans, everybody else on Seattle sucks…

Houston Astros – 30-52, 5th place

On pace for: 60-102 (OVER 59.5 wins)

Oh fuck yeah - We didn’t think the Astros would win 30 games all year let alone in the first half. What can you say about a team that is on pace to lose over 100 games for the third consecutive season? Jose Altuve has a .292 average and 18 stolen bases, which is nice…

Oh shit - Outfielder Chris Carter is on pace to strikeout 219 times, and that would fall just shy of the all-time record. The entire team has struck out 749 times, by far the most in the bigs. Houston’s 4.72 ERA is also the worst in all of baseball. Put it all together and you get one big pile o’ pig shit, and that’s exactly what the 2013 Houston Astros team is…

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2 Responses to The DUD MLB Midseason Report: American League

  1. tgrim says:

    AL West?

  2. tgim says:

    It’s cumming…

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