San Antonio Vs. Miami: A Closer, More Disgusting Look

miami

by Tommy Gimler

Usually when we take a closer look at the two cities battling for a major sports championship, the filthier, more crime-ridden city pulls it out. Then again, we’ve only done this once before, and it was for a league that wasn’t fixed.

When San Antonio and Miami meet this Thursday to kick off the NBA Finals, not only will it be revealed which team David Stern has instructed his referees to guide to the championship, but it will also feature a matchup of two cities that are about as similar as Daft Punk and Toby Keith.  On one hand, you have a city with a rich history made up of a hard-working middle class and home to USAA and H-E-B. On the other hand, you have a city home to poverty, illegals, Ricky Martin, and glow sticks.

Here are some other interesting facts in another version of The DUD’s A Tale of Two Cities. And let us remind you before you waste your time on the NBA Finals that two NHL postseason series are in full effect, they’re real, and they’re spectacular…

You are 2.5 times more likely to be murdered in Miami than in San Antonio.

According to City-Data.com, only 6.6 out of every 100,000 people lost their lives in San Antonio, presumably during drug deals, robberies, and games of booray gone wrong. But in Miami, that number jumps to 16.8, which is ironically is the same number of words the average Miami resident can speak in English…

But you are more likely to get raped in San Antonio than in Miami.

36.3 out of every 100,000 San Antonio residents had something shoved in an orifice against their will last year compared to 23.7 in Miami. However, this doesn’t take into account the millions of Miami-Dade County residents who were raped by Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria and local politicians and duped into funding a new ballpark that will eventually cost them $1.2 billion…

You are more likely to be unemployed in Miami than in San Antonio.

According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, San Antonio finished April with an unemployment rate of 5.9% while Miami was just above the national average at 7.2%. Of course, if your dream is to be a gay bartender, glow stick salesman, or Rosetta Stone rep, there is still no better place to be than Miami…

If you are looking to pick up the AIDS virus, then book a one-way flight to Miami.

In case you’re wondering, according to the US Census, 37.2 out of every 100,000 Miami area residents have HIV, the highest rate in the country whereas San Antonio area residents are 17th at 12.3. And in case you’re wondering, according to PositiveSingles.com, a dating website for single people with STDs, Miami is one of the top ten cities in the United States to pick up an STD. And in case you’re wondering, according to the South Florida Gay News, the Miami metropolitan area ranks number one in AIDS case rates. And in case you’re wondering, I am about to reset my browser…

You are more likely to be a fat piece of shit in San Antonio than in Miami.

According to a Gallup-Healthways poll, 29.1% of San Antonio’s population can be classified as obese. Miami’s 22.2% obesity rate is much lower, but that should be obvious when you take into consideration their high amount of AIDS patients…

You are more likely to get your face eaten off by a guy who is suspected to be on bath salts in Miami than in San Antonio.

When was the last time you heard of some guy in San Antonio getting his faced chewed off by another dude on bath salts who eventually was killed but only after multiple gunshots from the police who later would find no trace of bath salts in his system?

The DUD Conclusion

If I had to choose, I would rather be raped than murdered and obese than dying of AIDS. If you’re looking for the filthier, more crime-ridden city “edge” when picking a winner in this year’s NBA Finals, according to our research, Miami will win it all for the second straight year…

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One Response to San Antonio Vs. Miami: A Closer, More Disgusting Look

  1. Mike says:

    The South Florida Gay News? Is that what they’re calling The Miami Herald now?

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