Sports Illustrated Makes Jason Collins Out To Be Even More Gay, The Cardinals Put A Rihanna-Esque Beatdown On The Brewers, And Melky Cabrera Hits His First Home Run In Over 9 Months

jason collins gay

by Tommy Gimler

When an athlete reveals to the world that he is gay, it isn’t news. Or at least it shouldn’t be. But when a major sports publication takes the first male athlete from one of the major four sports to come out of the closet and inadvertently makes him out to be a “super gay,” well then, that’s something to talk about.

Since we vowed last year to never read an issue of Sports Illustrated outside of ones whose covers promote Kate Upton’s tits, we didn’t peruse through last week’s story about Jason Collins, the subpar NBA veteran who revealed to the sports world that he was gay. But thanks to DUD-enthusiast Dustin Smith, this little blurb from that story found its way into our inbox:

The DUD’s Take

Real nice, Clark. How did SI totally drop the ball on this? I mean, why not go ahead and talk about how the locker room just loves his iPod filled with Kenny Chesney, The Goo Goo Dolls, and techno music while you’re at it? Or reveal how Collins is just so filled with team spirit that he’s always the first one at the end of the bench ready to smack his teammates’ asses after a W? Seriously, if the bottom of the picture didn’t reveal that the caption was taken from Sports Illustrated, we would have assumed that it came from The Onion

The Cardinals Pretty Much Curb Stomped The Brewers This Weekend

Leading into the four-game series this past weekend against the Milwaukee Brewers, to say that the St. Louis Cardinals offense was scuffling would have been a compliment. Leadoff hitter Jon Jay was hitting just .204 with a .282 OBP. David Freese was even worse, entering the series with a Rickie Weeks-esque .163 batting average. And cleanup hitter Allen Craig had yet to homer in 2013.

But thanks to the Milwaukee Brewers pitching staff and their NL-worst 4.60 ERA, that all changed with an impressive four-game sweep in Milwaukee. Following Sunday afternoon’s 10-1 ass pounding, Jay’s average had risen 48 points to .252 while his OBP climbed 57 points to .339. Even with an 0-for-5 effort on Sunday, David Freese found himself hitting .215, 52 points higher than when the series began. And Allen Craig went 8 for 19 in the series, knocking in seven runs, including himself when he went yard for the first time all year.

In all, the Cardinals scored 29 runs on 48 hits and sent the Brew Crew to their fifth straight home loss…

Melky Cabrera Goes Yard For First Time Since Last Year

We could really give two shits about this, but we just wanted to point out how much harder it is to hit home runs when you’re not taking PED’s…

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