Kings Vs. Blackhawks: I Called It, You Hookers


by Teddy Westside

The Kings of Los Angeles put away the Sharks from San Jose away in seven games…which coincidentally is exactly what I predicted. Not only did I predict accurately the winning team, but the number of games in which they would win it…which means I am already better than half of the NFL prognosticators and certainly better than that turd Mel Kiper. Hey Mel, when you get ONE thing right, you let me know.

Back to the game…The series was an amazing series to watch and one that was more fun than a bender in a UW-Oshkosh dorm room. The series went seven games in which the home team won every single game and every game was competitive, hard fought and brutal. There were more hits in the series than in Chris Brown’s home.

When it came down to it, the attacking Sharks couldn’t crack the King’s defense, especially the play of Kings’ goalie Jonathan Quick. Quick was just amazing in the net, allowing only 10 goals in the seven games, including a game one and game five shutout. In fact, he has been so dominant again this year that he is making a case to plow Gimler’s sister. No one has been better these playoffs in the crease, as even Ron Jeremy is jealous of Quick’s crease skills. Quick has a tidy 1.50 goal against-average (best in playoffs), .948 save percentage (best in playoffs despite facing the 4th most shots), and has pitched 3 shutouts (again, best in the playoffs). Think of Quick as the Clayton Kershaw of hockey.

The Kings play a brand of hockey that is similar to what the Broncos played two years ago with Tim Tebow…Defense, defense, defense and then try to score when the opportunities present themselves. The Sharks on the other hand, love to shoot the puck. To put this in perspective, the Kings played three more games than the Ottawa Senators and still took less shots. Shit, Amanda Bynes has taken more shots than the Kings during their playoff run.

However, the cliché that is older and more tired than Alex Rodriguez is that “defense wins championships.” If that is the case, the Kings are going to make a good run here. Well, except for the fact that the Kings will face Blackhawks of Chicago in the Western Conference Finals…

The Blackhawks?! Yeah, that’s right. The team that came back from dead to fuck over the city of Detroit just a little more than they already are…Detroit sucks so bad at this point that you could not give a free fucking house away. Like a FREE house. Most people would just try to sell it to avoid any tax payments than would actually try to live in it…But I digress…we are not here to shit on Detroit as much as we are here to congratulate the Blackhawks for winning the series in seven games…

Oh, what is that you say? Yea, it was seven games. Some of you might be quick to point out that Teddy Westside called for this series to be over in five games…well, I was wrong. Teddy Westside always owns it when he is wrong like Bill Clinton did with that whole beej thing…But remember, I still called the Blackhawks to win (who didn’t?), so I was only partially wrong, like that time you went to a bar, chatted up a hot broad, went back to your place, got a nice beej on your cum-stained couch, and when you tried to return the favor, you found out instead that she had a huge dick…sure, you were wrong and you misjudged a little bit, but you still got a good BJ out of it… 

Anyway, the Blackhawks move on because they were everything I said they were…good on offense, good on defense, good in the net and just really, really deep. And they’re so mentally tough, although only after getting poked a little bit. The Red Wings almost escaped the series. They had the Hawks with their backs against the wall with a commanding 3-1 lead…but the series changed in game four when the Wings harassed the Hawks captain Jonathan Teows just a LITTLE too much. After that, and a substantial shift in strategy going for long, stretching passes up ice, and the Blackhawks stormed back to take the next three games, including game seven in overtime…

So, who does Teddy Westside think will win the Western Finals with a chance to play for the Cup? Well, what happens when an impenetrable wall meets a marching, consistent, deep force that can chip away and really play? That is the question that is about to be answered…But Teddy predicts the Blackhawks will win in seven games. Do not be surprised if the home team wins every game in this series.

And here’s one more prediction that Teddy Westside will get right no matter what happens…The NHL playoffs are better and more worth your time than ANYTHING, even those Chinese immigrant halftime shows where they balance dishes on their nose while riding a unicycle, the NBA is currently doing. Tune in, you hookers…

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