UFC 159 – The Kenny Rogers Gambler


by Michael Louis

It’s time for another UFC event and again I’ll have to leave my house and risk a DUI just to watch because my cheap New Jersey family told me never to order Pay Per View unless Howard Stern was involved.  That being said… bababoey-babboey-bababoey!

Chael “The American Gangster” Sonnen vs. Jon “Bones” Jones

The Ultimate Fighter coaches are fighting in the main event of the night for what many consider a stepping stone in Jon Jones future Hall of Fame career. They didn’t really have any beef during the season and the pain of it is that everyone involved isn’t giving Chael Sonnen a chance against Jones. It’s a tough call for me because I love Chael’s rhetoric and he’s the only fighter on the card to personally know the identity of D.B. Cooper. Couple that with how much more fun the payout is when you gamble on a guy who’s +450 at every casino in Vegas* and you’ve got the perfect recipe for a hard-gambling, all-American main event.

The Kenny Rogers Gambler pick of the evening is Chael Sonnen.

*not every casino in Vegas

Michael “The Count” Bisping vs. Alan “The Talent” Belcher
Have you been paying attention this lead up? Basically, Alan Belcher made a bet with Michael Bisping (himself) that if he got knocked out, he’d get the British flag tattooed on his chest. Bisping responded by ignoring Belcher and continuing to train for the fight saying he doesn’t entertain cocky idiots who make fake sissy bets by taking to YouTube to egg Belcher on even more.  Belcher has Johnny Cash tattooed on his arm, he’s had more diverse hairstyles than any other fighter I know of, and if you remove a vowel from his nickname he doesn’t become “The Cunt.” Belcher by KO, 2nd Round.

Roy “Big Country” Nelson vs. Cheick Kongo
Alas, the epic racial saga of the scariest looking black man on the planet fighting the fattest hick white guy the UFC could find. This fight should be nicknamed “Earned Reparations” because Roy Nelson can scrap with anyone in the world and probably win – think about that. Roy Nelson looks at Cheick Kongo and just figures,”Well shit, I might as well beat him.”

If Cheick Kongo wanted to fight me, it would play out like the show Planet Earth when the wolf singles out the caribou calf and just runs it down mercilessly. Eventually the caribou just kind of slinks down into the grass and tries to meditate to a place where it’s not getting eaten alive. That would be me. But when they checked my wallet for clues, there would be a folded piece of paper that said Roy Nelson would beat Cheick Kongo in the second round via TKO.

Phil Davis vs. Vinny Magalhaes
This guy Vinny Magalhaes is so Brazilian that I bet you can smell butt sex on his unit when he walks in the room. Did you hear mikeinbrazil.com allegedly offered him a renewable annual contract?  No?  Well, now you have, whether I just made it up or not.  And in the spirit of Brazilians hating fighters from every country other than their own, I hope the fucking guy gets his ankle snapped by Phil Davis. Mr. Wonderful may be a callus, egotistical nickname, but Brazil can go fuck themselves.

Jim Miller vs. Pat Healy
One one hand, you’ve got Jim Miller, who’s a tough bastard from New Jersey.  On the other hand, you’ve got Pat Healy, who lies to a woman named Mary using Nepalese coins so that she won’t marry this schlep Ted she went to the high school prom with.  He also designed the building next to the soccer stadium in Chile, allegedly. Seriously, who’s been to Santiago, Chile twice in one year? I’m calling Jim Miller by decision…

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