The DUD Dishes Out Its NBA Regular Season Awards

harden

by Tommy Gimler

Sure, the other guys are going to pick the best overall player, rookie, and coach. But only we dish out the awards that matter, like the best player with a Jihad beard.

The Best Player Sporting A Jihad Beard – James Harden, Houston Rockets

After a few years of playing third fiddle in Oklahoma City to Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook, Harden finally got his chance to be the main man in Houston, and let’s just say he blew up.

The Rockets guard finished the year averaging 25.9 points, 5.8 assists, and 4.9 rebounds per game and led Houston to its first playoff birth since 2009. Only four other players averaged more points per game than Harden, who went for at least 30 in 23 games. And nobody made his teammates more nervous on road trips when he sat in the emergency exit row…

The Best Player Sporting The Name Of A Fictional Talk Show Host – Larry Sanders, Milwaukee Bucks

It says a lot when you’re ejected from more games than DeMarcus Cousins, and that’s exactly what Sanders accomplished in 2013. He also finished third in the league in technical fouls, fifth in personal fouls per game, and 12th in rebounds per game…

The Jennifer Love Hewitt Award aka The Player Who Got Around The Most In 2013 – Hamed Haddadi, Phoenix/Toronto/Memphis

Haddadi wasn’t the only one to play for three different squads this year, but he’s by far the easiest to make fun of. The first Iranian player to ever suit up for an NBA team, Haddadi was almost as worthless as Bjork in 2013 except in the category of back hair…

The Chuck Villanueva “Chucker” Award – Brandon Jennings, Milwaukee Bucks

Jennings took the 14th most shots in the league this year, and he made less than 40% of them. Then again, the Bucks’ point guard bypassed one year of getting learned at a higher education to play buckets in Europe, so maybe he’s just really bad with numbers…

The Best Player With A Name That Sounds Like A Sex Move – Tiago Splitter, San Antonio Spurs

On the court, San Antonio’s starting center played 81 games, averaging 10.3 points and 6.4 boards per game. Off the court, his name suggests that he wrecked 81 pieces of poon last month alone in the 210…

And finally…

The Former NBA Player “Where Are They Now: Being Indicted For Murder” Award – Javaris Crittenton

You might remember Crittenton as the other half of the Gilbert Arenas gun fiasco in 2009. And when that’s your claim to fame, then chances are pretty good you’ll eventually find yourself on trial for something. In Crittenton’s case, it’s for murder. Sadly, if you’re looking to move that 2007 Topps Javaris Crittenton rookie card, it might be too late…

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