Jason Collins Announces He Is Gay. Where Will He Play Next?

jason collins gay

by Tommy Gimler

Sports Illustrated is in line to make some serious cash money when their magazine hits newsstands this week, and that’s because they are running an exclusive story on Jason Collins, the first active athlete in the four major American team sports to announce his homosexuality.

Sports radio, television networks, and water coolers across the country today are abuzz with the stunning revelation that not only is there now for sure a gay athlete in the four team sports that matter, but also that Jason Collins is that guy. I mean, who in the hell is Jason Collins?

According to NBA.com, Collins is an eleven-year veteran center who averaged twice as many fouls per game this season than points, and given today’s news, that excessive and illegal contact can be explained. Collins has played for the Nets, Grizzlies, Hawks, Celtics, and most recently, the Wizards. His best season was with New Jersey during the ’04-’05 campaign when he played in 80 games, averaging over six points and six boards per contest. This past season with the Celtics and Wizards, Collins averaged 1.1 points and 1.6 rebounds per game.

Now a free agent, Collins has expressed interest to continue playing in the NBA, although it might be tough for him to catch on somewhere. Not because he’s gay, but because he sucks. Collins turns 35 this December, and he hasn’t averaged more than fifteen minutes a game since the ’07-’08 season. And he hasn’t averaged more than three points and four boards per games since ’05-’06.

So, with production like that, is there any team willing to pay $1.4 million next season to have Collins on their roster? In the words of Michael Kidd-Gilchrist, let’s b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-break this d-d-d-d-d-d-down…

The DUD Breakdown

The “Absolutely Not” Team – Utah Jazz

Sending a homosexual into the Mormon capital of the world would be like sending your daughter to a birthday party at Roman Polanski’s house. Mormons hate gays so much that they would probably throw one of their wives onto the court in hopes of injuring the veteran center. Let’s face it. Collins has a better shot at playing a round at Augusta National as a gay black man before being welcomed by Jazz fans…

The “Maybe / Maybe Not” Team – Sacramento Kings

Nobody could use an attendance boost more than the Kings, who finished dead last in attendance this season by averaging less than 13,800 fans per game. Plus, according to The Daily Beast, Sacramento is the sixth gayest city in America, and a hotbed for same-sex marriage legislation.

On the other hand, incumbent center DeMarcus Cousins doesn’t seem like the most mentally stable guy ready to handle an openly gay player sharing his locker room or boxing him out at practice. After all, the odds of him reading a book on tolerance is slim to none after being quoted as saying, “We’re not out there reading books, we’re out there playing basketball” while he was playing at Kentucky. And with Jimmer Fredette chucking three balls up in Sac-Town, the whole Mormon tolerance issue becomes a factor again…

The “That Makes Sense” Team – New Orleans Pelicans

Jason Collins is gay. So is having a pelican for a mascot…

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One Response to Jason Collins Announces He Is Gay. Where Will He Play Next?

  1. Monty says:

    I can tell you where he won’t play – in your mom!

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