Where Was This Broad When I Was 12?

elizabeth garner

by Tommy Gimler

In case you wondering, it’s still very much illegal to touch a 12-year-old kid’s Lincoln Log and offer him a beej no matter how good you looked four years ago.

Then again, Elizabeth Garner is used to doing things that other people can’t. In 2008, Garner won a spot on the Tennessee Titans cheerleading squad at the age of 38, even though the rest of her competition wasn’t alive when Michael Jackson was actually black. But apparently that success created an ego big enough to make A Rod look like a humble human being instead of a pig-headed piece of shit.

According to TMZ, Garner “has been charged with aggravated sexual battery after allegedly grabbing a 12-year-old boy’s penis outside his pants…and attempting to perform oral sex on him.” And apparently, she picked the one sixth or seventh grade boy in Tennessee who didn’t think that was fucking awesome.

Instead, this kid “escaped” from Garner and ran home to tell his mommy. As a result, now when you Google Elizabeth Garner’s name, instead of only finding pictures like this:

You’ll now find this:

Police also nailed Garner with charges of solicitation of a minor and rape of a child, and she now faces more than eight years in a federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison.

And just when you thought this story couldn’t get any crazier, it does. Like Katt Williams crazy.

According to police, Garner admitted to going after the kid’s love dart but insisted that it was only because she “was drunk and had confused him with an adult man at the party.” Kyle Evans of the Murfreesboro Police Department responded by saying, “That’s just absolutely no excuse for sexually assaulting a child. If you can’t tell the difference between a 12-year-old and an adult then there are problems.”

The DUD’s Take

1) I’ve always considered my childhood to be a disappointment, and the fact that I never met this broad in the canned food aisle at the local Pick ‘n Save is more devastating than getting cut from the varsity basketball team.

2) Elizabeth Garner is a married woman. If she’s confusing a 12-year-old kid’s pork sword for an adult man’s, how small is her husband’s pump handle.

3) The only way a judge or jury will buy the “I thought the 12-year-old kid was an adult man” defense is if either of these two guys were at the same party that night:

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