Hey DUD! What Does It Take To Get Some Fucking Hockey Around Here?

hockey

by Teddy Westside

I have noticed that The Daily Upper Decker has covered women’s college basketball more than the sport of hockey. WOMEN’S. COLLEGE. BASEKETBALL. I mean, are you fucking kidding me? I haven’t seen women struggle so hard to get balls near a hole since the Omega-Mu’s in Revenge of the Nerds.

That being said, I took it upon myself to scribble some words on the sport of hockey. Will I convince you to give this sport a try? Maybe not. Am I the Minnesota Miracle Man peddling the Air Bombay Loafer, for kids who want to coach? Certainly not. But here is my plee all the same:

 

Hockey is back in a big way! After the Los Angeles Kings hoisted the cup last year, the NHL took a hit after a prolonged lockout that lasted 119 days. But an even bigger issue than the lockout is that ESPN doesn’t seem to classify the NHL a serious league.

There are countless examples on this site already of the “Four-Letter” fucking shit up (see anything on First Take). They no longer seem to care about SPORTS and NEWS as much as they do about fabricating drama and getting ratings. I work in the TV industry, so I understand this to a degree. But when a sports guy tells me “I do not know anything about hockey,” I feel like Chris Brown must have felt when Rihanna told him she didn’t want to see him anymore…and then I feel like I need to step up and help out. So, here are some things you should know about hockey while I am helping out Rihanna:

1. It is a beautiful sport. The players are downright disgusting, most with missing teeth, jacked up faces, and terrible hair. But the thing these men can do on skates while moving on ice is just incredible. Seriously, think Portman and Kunis in that scene in Black Swan beautiful. When you see the way they can handle a puck with sticks, it is just amazing. If you have never watched a hockey game before, the first thing you should do is JUST WATCH IT. Watch it like you did when you were 12 years old and you first saw a glimmer of a fuck sesh on channel 99. Like the Spice Channel, do not worry about the individual players or anything…just watch the game move. The game has a flow to it and you might realize that it’s just as beautiful as Shakira’s hips.

 

2. Tough Mother Fuckers play this sport: If you ask anyone in America what they think is the hardest or toughest sport to play, 90% would say football. I’m sure some turds would say basketball and some tip touchers would have the audacity to say tennis or swimming or something, but whatever. Most people do not realize how tough these hockey players are. They are able to move at full speed, get hit in open ice, get hit against a wall (something football players never have to deal with), get hit with sticks (more than a cheap hooker in Vegas), and even take pucks to the face every now and then (at about the same rate as a cheap hooker in Vegas). The crazy thing? They just get up and keep playing. If football players were as tough as hockey players we wouldn’t have to worry about rule changes to make sure RUNNING BACKS DO NOT HIT TOO HARD…(seriously, for fucks sake).

 

3. Fighting is Allowed. Yes sir. Players can fight. It really is not as big a part of the game as people would like to think. But sometimes, when someone keeps hitting you like I mentioned earlier, you gotta stick up for yourself. The way you do that in hockey is you drop the gloves and try to lay the other person out. The cool thing is that a hockey fight is not a brawl. The players that are not involved in the fight stand back and let the others settle their business. I am all for a baseball brew-ha-ha (that one in the WBC this year was AWESOME), but there is something almost virtuous about a hockey fight.

 

4. Hockey has the best overtime system in all of sports. Seriously, no sport features drama in an overtime game quite like the sport hockey. First of all, if the game is tied after three periods of 20 minutes each, there is one more 5 minute period where if anyone scores, they win. But if the game remains tied after that, then we go to a shoot out, which is certainly more fun to watch than Blair Walsh crushing a routine 30 yard field goal against Jacksonville in the NFL.

5. Hockey players do not wear jerseys. They wear sweaters.

Those are just points to get you started on the game of hockey. Give the sport an honest try and you might find you really enjoy it. Don’t have a team to cheer for? Well, pick one. While you are deciding, here is a quick spotlight on a superstar in the league, Patrick Kane.

Patrick Kane is a Right Wing (he plays offense on the right side of the attacking formation) for the Chicago Blackhawks. He is 24 years old and has already won a championship (with the Blackhawks in 2010). He is one of the best players in the sport now and is putting together an MVP season this year. I could spew out some stats, but how about you just check this shit out instead:

And this:

But Kane is just as interesting off the ice as he is on the ice. Remember, this is an adolescent male that has already won a championship and makes six million a year…so what would you do? How about plow co-eds and then tweet about it when you are still in bed with the chick? Check.

 

What about taking some pictures in a limo with some fugly chicks with your shirt off? Check.

 

To be honest, Patrick Kane is SO GOOD AT HIS SPORT that he should be third in line (behind Mike Trout and Clayton Kershaw) for the chance to plow Tommy Gimler’s sister…and chances are if she has ever been to Mifflin in Madison, he already has:

http://deadspin.com/5909246/reconstructing-patrick-kanes-drunken-weekend-in-madison

All of that aside, Kane leads a team that has lost only 3 games in regulation this year and the Blackhawks are just one team that has a real chance to win the Cup this year. If you haven’t given hockey a chance before now, give it an honest shot, and you’ll see why both you and The DUD need more hockey. Educate yourself, and do not let ESPN dictate the world of sports to you. Pick a hockey team and cheer for them. Well, unless it is the Detroit Red Wings…

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