ESPN Has Stephen A. Smith Discuss Hockey And He Gets Pissed About Tie Games This Year, Even Though They Haven’t Been A Part Of The Sport Since 2004

Stephen A Smith

by Tommy Gimler

The last tie in the NHL took place on April 4, 2004 when the Carolina Hurricanes and Florida Panthers played to a 6-6 draw in front of what looked like a few hundred fans. But according to ESPN analyst/commentator/douche Stephen A. Smith, the Chicago Blackhawks have been a part of three ties this year, and as expected, he’s pretty pissed off about it.

Here is video of Smith talking to fellow idiot Sara Walsh about why the Chicago Blackhawks’ streak of 22 consecutive games with a point is a farce because they have actually tied three times this year:

It’s not like we needed further proof that Stephen A. Smith is a fucking buffoon. I mean, by now, anything this clown says is just extra credit, but for the record, Chicago’s 22-game streak of consecutive games with a point to begin the season has already shattered the old record of 16 games to start a season. And if you go back to last season, that streak is actually now at 28 games, which is tied for the second longest streak of all-time. Meanwhile, the Miami Heat’s 15-game winning streak in the NBA is good for 24th all-time.

Breaking this bitch down is almost too easy, but that’s good because I’m super hungover…

The DUD Breakdown

1) For starters, the audio is pretty terrible, but in this case it’s OK because so is Stephen A. Smith.

2) The idea of having Stephen A. Smith discuss which streak he thinks is more impressive, a basketball streak or a hockey streak is the equivalent of asking me what I think is more impressive, two drunk coeds scissoring each other or two guys fucking. No matter how you try to spin it, I’m going to choose scissoring. What a joke. Smith knows about as much about hockey as I do about sewing.

3) At the 41-second mark, Smith asserts what everybody in the country outside of his producers and Skip Bayless already knows: When Stephen A. Smith talks these days, people pretty much just tune him out, causing him to have to repeat what he said a few days earlier.

4) At the 52-second mark, Smith reveals for the first time that the Blackhawks have tied three times this year, something that even a casual hockey fan would know isn’t the case. But even when there were ties in the NHL, they were worth one point, meaning that the 21-game streak that Smith was referring to as just an 8-game streak still would have been a 21-game streak of consecutive games with a point.

5) It’s also here that we realize it wasn’t Sara Walsh’s knowledge of sports that landed her the job of SportsCenter anchor. Our guess is that she’s really good at spitting other things out her mouth other than sports stories. She doesn’t stop to disagree with Smith’s take on tie games or try to correct him, meaning that either she also thought there were still ties in hockey or, like the rest of us, she just wasn’t listening to him.

6) At the 59-second mark, Smith tries to make a funny by lumping tie games and soccer into the discussion. But like a true douchebag, he gets so caught up in his own punch line that he stumbles and stutters for the next three seconds before another few words from the English language exit his pie hole. And those award-winning words were? Hockey stuff.

7) And speaking of soccer, based on what we’ve seen and heard from European soccer fans, we’re sure they have some choice words for Stephen A. Smith.

8 ) Just so it’s clear to Stephen, regardless of if a team wins a game in regulation, overtime, or shootout, they get two points. The team that loses gets one point for an overtime or shootout loss, but zero points if they lose the game in regulation. But fuck it. Sure, we’ll take a cookie in exchange for that explanation.

9) At the 1:12 mark, Smith tells us the last time he checked, the goal of taking the ice is to actually win, not to tie. So, since the last tie took place in 2004, it’s safe to say that it’s been almost nine years since Stephen A. Smith has checked in on the sport of hockey, which makes ESPN’s choice to have him discuss hockey in the first place even that much more baffling.

10) The cum shot of this brutal rant occurs at 1:38 when Smith acknowledges that he didn’t even know that they had “a Columbus” much less that an NHL team existed in Columbus, albeit Columbus, GA or Columbus, OH. Again, if that’s the case, then why would ESPN have him discuss the importance of the Blackhawks’ point streak or anything related to hockey. It would be like the Discovery Channel asking Stevie Wonder to talk about how much HDTV has changed his life.

11) It’s also at this point where we learn that he doesn’t even know who he’s getting interviewed by. We’ve already established that her name is Sara Walsh, but this egomaniac is so captivated by his pig shit rant, than he forgets who is sitting at the desk with him, and he refers to Walsh as Hannah (Storm). Smith doesn’t know anything about the sport of hockey, and doesn’t know who is sitting across from him at the desk, which leads us to believe that the only thing Stephen A. Smith knows is how to be pissed off at the existence of anything and anybody but himself.

12) At the 1:48 mark, he tells us he respects the sport of hockey, even though he is about to establish one more time that there are still ties in hockey. On top of that, he acknowledges his disgust for hockey’s point system as well as his unawareness of the Blue Jackets calling Columbus, OH home. But he respects the sport.

Um, no.

It would be like me ordering a hooker in Toledo, paying her ten bucks for a handy but instead throwing it in her two hole, taking back my ten bucks before I push her out of my moving car in front of her government-paid housing, and then doing the same thing to her mother, only when I drive past the projects the second time, I yell out, “I’m sorry for everything I did, but I respect what you’re doing. I am respectfully sorry. Do you want a cookie?”

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3 Responses to ESPN Has Stephen A. Smith Discuss Hockey And He Gets Pissed About Tie Games This Year, Even Though They Haven’t Been A Part Of The Sport Since 2004

  1. Jay says:

    Wow this is incredibly funny and has many vailid points xD! I have been watching first take since late winter this year… It seems like the more iv’e watched this guy the more intense and wacko he gets! Im sure he has been the same but maybe his new commercials and punlicity are getting to him. He is getting worse day by day! Im not even sure how someone could be as annoying as him. Tv personalities are like that i suppose… Whatevet gets us talking about him is good for espn but damn its pretty crazy how rude he is.

  2. james bellflower says:

    S.a.s is the biggest joke on television.nobody cares what this guy has to say.hes a jackass.

  3. james bellflower says:

    Nobody cares what smith has to say.biggest jackass on tv.

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