DUD MLB Preview: San Francisco Giants

fat sandoval

by Tommy Gimler

The only shitty thing about winning the World Series is that the following year, there is nowhere to go but down. Well, unless you’re Pablo Sandoval’s weight.

It’s no secret that with Brandon Crawford, Gregor Blanco, Marco Scutaro, and Brandon Belt in the Giants’ lineup that pitching is what wins ball games for this club. Matt Cain and Madison Bumgarner both finished last year in the Top 12 in the NL in ERA, WHIP, wins, strikeouts, innings pitched, BAA, and complete games, making them the only starting pitching to do so. Ryan Vogelsong was also solid, finishing the year with 14 victories, 22 quality starts, and a 3.37 ERA in almost 190 innings of work. And even Barry Zito somehow found a way to win 15 games despite an ERA north of 4, finally earning a portion of his $126 million deal.

The only negative surrounding San Francisco’s pitching staff was the sudden collapse of Tim Lincecum, once again proving that you don’t fuck with a pothead’s stash. Lincecum wasn’t just bad last year, he was awful. Taylor Swift awful. His 15 losses and 5.18 ERA were both worst in the NL for starters. In fact, watching him pitch and drag my fantasy team into the cellar was about as painful as this:

Lincecum will begin 2013 in the starting rotation again, although if it goes as well as his spring training is so far (10.97 ERA, 2.25 WHIP), he’ll once again become the most expensive bullpen pitcher in the game in a bullpen that featured the least blown saves in the NL a year ago. Sergio Romo not only looks like a 9/11 hijacker, but he also brings terror to opposing hitter in the ninth inning. After taking over for an injured Brian Wilson last year, Romo was 14 of 15 in save opportunities, compiling an impressive, like Kate Upton’s huge tits impressive 1.79 ERA, 0.85 WHIP, and .185 BAA in the process.

The man/stud catching the Giants’ pitching staff in the best offensive player at his position and the reigning NL MVP. Add Buster Posey to the list of guys who can plow my sister. It’s starting to become quite a large group, but if you know my sister, that’s nothing new. In the two years that Posey has played at least 108 games, the Giants have won the World Series. Posey’s .336 average was tops in all of baseball a year ago, and his .957 OPS, 103 RBI, and 39 doubles were tops among all catchers.

Posey’s swing is immaculate. If you’re teaching your kid how to swing the bat properly, you have him watch footage of Posey destroying NL pitching. If you’re the father in the Volkswagen commercial teaching his kid how to throw a baseball like a fucking fairy, then when it comes time to show him out to hit, you show him footage of Hunter Pence.

Pence has the worst swing in baseball. If you had to compare Posey’s swing to Pence’s hack using pictures of broads, then this would be Posey:

And this would be Pence:

Speaking of Pablo Sandoval, the Giants third baseman is once again battling injuries this spring. It seems as though the only thing that isn’t hurting is his appetite. The solution for him is simple. Lose some weight, and he’ll stay healthy and be an important part of the Giants’ lineup. Keep eating Ben and Jerry’s, and he’ll be out of the game before he turns 30.

The Giants will need Posey, Pence, and Sandoval to stay healthy for the majority of the season to stay in the hunt in NL West. Last year’s squad hit only 103 home runs, by far worst in the bigs, and those three accounted for 43 steroid-free bombs. The wild card this year will be first baseman Brandon Belt. To date, Belt has been a bigger disappointment than The Incredible Burt Wonderstone. But he has absolutely destroyed Cactus League pitching this spring, which I guess at times can be the equivalent to kick a kid’s ass who is in a wheelchair, but hey, he has hit just as many home runs this spring as he did all of last year.

San Francisco was 45-27 against the NL West last year, and even a complete fucking idiot like Marshall Henderson would tell you that if they do that again, then they’ll be playing October baseball again this year. But even my mom knows that the Dodgers loaded up in the offseason, and despite trading Justin Upton to Atlanta, you can make the argument that Arizona is a much better team this year. We think the Giants make a late push in September when manager Bruce Bochy dyes one of his eyebrows blonde again, inspiring the team to win seven of its final ten, but (unless they pick up a bat at the trade deadline) they fall just short of the Wild Card(s)…

2012 record: 94-68 (1st, NL West)

2013 predictions

The DUD: 85-77 (3rd, NL West)

Vegas says: 86 wins (2nd, NL West)

Bleacher Report: 92-70 (1st, NL West)

BaseballGuru.com: 84-78 (2nd, NL West)

Michael Luchies (Yahoo!): 89-73 (2nd place, NL West)

Retarded Uncle Mitch: 163-30 (1st place, AL Midwest)

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