Don’t Be An NCAA Tourney Douchebag In The Office On Monday

annoying ncaa office guy

by Tommy Gimler

Let’s be honest here. On Monday, you’re going to expect people to listen to why you’re taking the Bucknell Bison to make the Elite 8 even though you have never been to Lewisburg, couldn’t point it out on a map, and sure as shit haven’t taken in one second of Bison basketball this year.

Odds are the first college basketball action you’ll witness this season will be whatever games are being shown at the pub/tavern/brothel where you’re celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this weekend. Yet on Monday, you’ll expect that new Jewish accounting intern Elijah to take you seriously as you explain why your 5-12 upset is going to be a lock.

So you don’t sound like a complete fucking idiot while you’re doing it, The DUD is here to help with these fine talking points that you can use while you’re flirting with your pudgy secretary Megan. Hell, she might need help with her bracket, and giving her intel like this might be enough to get a little stink finger from her in the handicapped shitter after everyone else has left for the day:

For the third consecutive year, the baller averaging the most points per game who will actually play in the tourney is white.

Creighton’s Doug McDermott went for 41 two weeks ago against Wichita State on 15-of-18 shooting, and he is averaging 23.1 points per contest this season for the Blue Jays. He is shooting a retarded (it’s OK that we used the r-word here because we’re using it in a positive way) 56% from the field, which surprisingly is worse than last year (60%). In fact, as a team, nobody in the tournament has a better field goal percentage than Creighton. But use caution before you pencil them into the second weekend. The Blue Jays have zero wins against ranked opponents. In fact, they haven’t played anybody who was ranked at the time of their meeting, and that’s adds up to a strength of schedule of 64.

Speaking of strength of schedule, nobody has played a tougher chunk of games this year than Michigan State.

The Spartans have played six games against teams who were ranked in the top ten at the time of their meeting as well as five more against teams who were ranked in the top 25. They also played but lost to an unranked Miami squad before anybody knew just how good they were. And unlike Paris Hilton, strength of schedule actually matters. Well, for the most part. Last year, Ohio State and Kansas played the 4th and 6th toughest schedules heading into the tourney. Both of them made the Final Four, and Kansas advanced to the championship game before bowing out to Kentucky, who also played a Top 25-ranked schedule. The other Final Four team a year ago was Louisville, and they had the 11th toughest strength of schedule. In 2011, the toughest schedule belonged to Connecticut, and they went on to win the tourney. 2010 champion Duke played the 14th toughest schedule as did 2009 champion North Carolina. But there are also teams like Georgetown who played the toughest schedule in 2010 and then got smoked by 14th-seeded Ohio in the first round.

Speaking of Georgetown, the Hoyas have lost to a double-digit seed in the first weekend in their last four NCAA Tournament appearances.

In 2012, Georgetown was the 3-seed in the Midwest bracket, but failed to get past the round of 32 when they lost to 11-seed NC State. In 2011, the Hoyas lost by 18 points as a 6-seed to the 11-seed VCU. In 2010, they were destroyed like a Vietnamese hooker’s fish dish as the 3-seed in the Midwest bracket by 14-seed Ohio. And in 2008, the Hoyas were the 2-seed in the Midwest, but lost their second game against Stephen Curry and the 10-seed Davidson Wildcats. But the good news for Hoyas fans is that when the bracket is released on Sunday, Georgetown should be a #1 in one of the regionals, and only 2 of the last 24 #1 seeds have failed to make it to the second weekend (Kansas ’10, Pitt ’11).

What in the hell is a Billiken?

Look at this fucking thing:

A Billiken is a charm doll that was created by some broad in St. Louis in the early 1900′s. Apparently, it is supposed to bring good luck, you know what, fuck it. It doesn’t matter. What does matter is that the Billiken is the mascot for St. Louis University, and they’re currently the 16th-ranked team in the country. While on the surface, they don’t seem like a very sexy pick to go far in the tourney (142nd in PPG, 248th in rebounds, 83rd in FG%), they have beaten four ranked squads this year, including Butler twice. That is thanks to a defense that is giving up only 58.4 PPG, good for 19th best in the country. They also rank 13th in turnover margin, causing 450 turnovers while only committing 338, good for a 3.7 ratio. Plus, the Billikens have been playing with heavy hearts all year long. Head coach Rick Majerus took a medical sabbatical before the season began, and he passed away in December. If you haven’t heard the story yet, trust me, CBS and ESPN will be all over it next week…

Here’s a great read from SIhttp://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/college-basketball/news/20130227/saint-louis-after-rick-majerus/

You heard it here first: The South Dakota State Jackrabbits will win their first game.

Do you remember these crackers from last year? It’s OK that we use the term crackers because we’re white, and this team is so white that one of their two African-American players has the last name White. Anyway, the Jackrabbits were within four points of upsetting the 3-seed Baylor Bears a year ago in a game that they actually led 19-7. They are led by senior guard Nate Wolters, who was fourth in the nation this year averaging 22.7 PPG. South Dakota State averages almost 74 points per contest, good for 37th in the country, and they shoot 47% from the floor, good for 26th best. The Jackrabbits won the Summit League, and they also went into New Mexico, who was ranked 16th at the time, and left with a victory.

And finally, one of last year’s Cinderella stories, the Lehigh Mountain Hawks, didn’t make it back to the Dance this year.

Their season pretty much ended on January 5th when stud C.J. McCollum broke his foot. Fortunately for McCollum, he’s projected as an early-to-mid first round pick in this year’s NBA draft. And fortunately for us, since Lehigh didn’t make the tourney this year, we won’t have to see their cheerleaders:

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