Who Has The More Impressive Rap Sheet, Baltimore or San Francisco?

Published by tgim on February 2nd, 2013

by Tommy Gimler

From what we’ve read online and watched on television this week, Super Bowl XLVII should be tighter than Lolo Jones’ fish mitten. So before I’m placing any bets on the big game, I’m looking for any edge I can get. I decided that whichever team fights the hardest and does whatever it takes to get what they want despite the consequences that will follow, that’s the team that will be victorious. And to determine which team will do that, I turned to each roster’s arrest records. And let’s just say that if these two teams were to put their arrest records up against each other tomorrow, the game would be more lopsided than Tara Reid’s fake fun bags.

The following Baltimore Ravens have been arrested at some point in their careers:

Ray Lewis

Lewis was arrested and went to trial for first-degree murder in 2000. The trial can be described as flawed at best, with The Baltimore Sun, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, and others having outstanding articles that cover topics like a witness providing clothes that Lewis wore that night that don’t match any other witness descriptions, blood from one of the victims being found in the limo Ray Lewis was in, belief that Lewis paid for all defense attorneys involved, even the ones who represented the guys he testified against, and the fact that nobody was ever found guilty for murdering two guysClick here for access to all of those links. In the end, Lewis pleaded guilty to obstruction of justice for which he received one year of probation, and he didn’t get to go to Disney World after winning the MVP of Super Bowl XXXV the following year…

Terrell Suggs

Suggs was arrested for felony aggravated assault in 2003, allegedly for beating the piss out of what he called his best friend. You know, just boys being boys. Those charges were eventually dropped. But according to Wikipedia, in September of 2012 Suggs was accused of punching and dragging his girlfriend Candace Williams beside his car with his two children inside. A temporary protective order was placed against Suggs, causing him to surrender an AK-47 and 6 other guns. Hopefully a guy like this can turn his life around and become a Cub Scout Master when his playing days are over…

Albert McClellan

McClellan was arrested before the 2012 season and charged with with battery (a first-degree misdemeanor), and simple assault with threat or intent to do violence (a second-degree misdemeanor). Apparently McClellan was talking to a former girlfriend when his current girlfriend became enraged. He picked up a lamp and threw it at her, but since he plays linebacker and not quarterback, he missed. It instead shattered a picture frame. When she went to call the cops, McClellan grabbed her wrists and she fell to the ground. His girlfriend would later say that she said something about his dead mother, and that’s what set him off. It’s funny how in the McClellan household, this is termed battery and assault. In my house it’s called foreplay…

Jacoby Jones

Jones was hammered and passed out behind the wheel in downtown Houston in 2008. He would plead guilty in 2009 and sentenced to one year in a diversion program that included putting an alcohol device in his car. What a buzz kill…

Andy Moeller

When the Ravens’ offensive line coach was arrested for DUI in 2011, it was his third alcohol-related arrest in a four-year period. Whether or not he had incriminating photos of Art Modell with an underage hooker is unknown, but somehow this guy was able to keep his job even after the NFL suspended him for the first two games last year…

Vonta Leach

Vonta Leach sure knows how to throw one hell of a party. In July of 2009, he hosted a party at the Black Water Grille in North Carolina. After Leach escorted two broads out of the party for fighting, a man alleged that Leach hit him with a beer bottle and kicked him. Shortly thereafter, a huge parking lot brawl ensued. He was charged with simple assault, and we’re assuming he didn’t get laid that night…

Bryant McKinnie

All aboard! It’s the Love Boat – ah! Love won’t hurt anymore on the Love Boat, unless Bryant McKinnie is onboard. McKinnie was one of several Minnesota Vikings players arrested and charged with indecent conduct, disorderly conduct, and lewd conduct following a team outing on houseboats that some would say got out of hand, while others might say it was the best night of their lives. At some point, however, Captain McKinnie took a girl starboard and chowed down on her roast beef curtains. He would later get some mean head while that pervert Daunte Culpepper looked on…

But McKinnie wasn’t done with his TMZ behavior. In 2008, he was arrested for aggravated battery, disorderly conduct, and resisting arrest after a street fight in Miami. Police said they found McKinnie in a large crowd throwing punches and cursing. They asked him to stop, but he refused and instead boarded a bus, a rather safe place for minorities since the 60′s. Police removed him and took him to directly to jail without passing Go and collecting his $200…

Jimmy Smith

The Ravens cornerback was arrested twice in college for possession of alcohol as a minor and another time for assault. He’s admitted to enjoying large amounts of codeine, he’s failed three drug tests, and he’s impregnated several broads. With any luck, this guy will make Ryan Leaf look like a pussy by the time his career burns out…

The following San Francisco 49ers have been arrested at some point in their careers:

Demarcus Dobbs

Dobbs was pulled over and arrested by the California Highway Patrol on his 25th birthday for suspicion of DUI and possession of pot. But before you even think about saying that this mother fucker knows how to party, there were zero hookers in the back seat…

Aldon Smith

Aldon Smith didn’t take too well to losing the NFC Championship Game last year. Less than one week later, Smith was arrested in Miami on suspicion of DUI. On June 28th, Smith had the charges reduced to reckless driving. And then while dude was out celebrating that, he was stabbed. If this guy isn’t on the field, he’s in more trouble than Cedric Benson driving through Austin…

Ray McDonald

Does the 49ers’ car service smell worse than a Los Angeles cab? McDonald was also arrested on suspicion of DUI in 2010. He was reportedly going 94 in a 65 MPH zone, but hey, sometimes Wendy’s doesn’t stay open that late…

Randy Moss

Straight cash, homey. While a member of the disgusting Minnesota Vikings franchise, Moss hit a traffic officer, dragged her half a block, and had weed in his car. He was charged with careless driving and paid a $1,200 fine. Two years later, we would find out that he doesn’t pay his fines with checks, homey…

Mario Manningham

Long before Manningham was making splendid Super Bowl catches, he was getting arrested for possessing prescription drugs that didn’t belong to him. He had also been with two other former Michigan football players when they were arrested for drug possession, and he was also taken to court for not paying rent. Pretty fucking weak, if you ask me. All of that makes him the Tim Tebow of this list…

Jim Harbaugh

The 49ers head coach was arrested in 2005 when he was the head coach at the University of San Diego for DUI. However, we have no proof that he was arrested for his 1996 performance in Saved By The Bell. It was that bad, though…

Conclusion

The 49ers roster really seems to have issues involving the bottle and a motor vehicle, but they don’t even come close to the Thug Mania known as the Baltimore Ravens. I mean, murder, AK-47′s, battery, assault, and public cunnilingus. Wow. We have to consider the Ravens to be at least two touchdown favorites tomorrow when referee Jerome Boger flips the coin. That is, if it isn’t stolen…

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One Response

  1. Long before Manningham was making splendid Super Bowl catches, he was getting arrested for possessing prescription drugs that didn’t belong to him


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