by Tommy Gimler and Jeffrey Leinenkugel
With pitchers and catchers for every MLB team set to report to Spring Training by tomorrow at the latest, we can finally stop talking about annoying offseason stories like tainted piss consultants, Mark Grace’s drinking problem, and the size of Scott Boras’s plums and instead focus on what is important like how pig shit awful the Houston Astros and Miami Marlins are going to be. And to do that, The DUD has come up with these entertaining prop bets to get you back in the mood for the game that is still more American than a school shooting.
Which number will be greater, Mike Trout stolen bases or Houston Astros victories?
In 139 games last year, Mike Trout stole 49 bases. Seriously, even 49 might be enough right there to eclipse the 2013 Houston Astros win total. Think about it. Can you name three guys currently on the Houston Astros’ roster without Googling it? Odds are the amount of meth heads your slut sister has plowed in the back of her Rav4 is greater than the number of guys who have Major League experience on this team. At last year’s pace, if Trout plays 160 games in 2013, then he’ll finish the year with 57 steals. Last year’s Astros squad finished with 55 wins and this year they move to the AL West. Hopefully they still serve booze in the Astros clubhouse or else it’s going to be a long fucking year…
The DUD says: Mike Trout stolen bases
Which number will be greater, times Starlin Castro is benched or number of guys Josh Hamilton kills?
This one could wind up being a push, but since Hamilton hasn’t killed a guy in the bleachers since 2011, you have to think that the odds of Castro getting benched are a little bit better. Then again, Castro hasn’t been benched since 2011 either, although he was put on notice by gunshot victim and Cubs manager Dale Sveum last season for mental lapses. And with all of the money that has been committed to Castro, it’s hard to see the Cubs creating a story by benching their $60 million man. And we’re betting that Hamilton has a beer before he kills another baseball fan.
The DUD says: Push
Which number will be greater, Prince Fielder stolen bases or number of Latino players suspended for using a false name?
Fat Boy has 1 stolen base in each of the last three seasons, so it’s safe to say that he’ll get those vegan corn rolls down to second base just once again this season. Meanwhile, according to Charles Farrell, there are as many as 30 Dominican natives on MLB rosters with fake names. Last season, Leo Nunez (Juan Carlos Oviedo) and Fausto Carmona (Roberto Hernandez) were suspended because of it. If you’ve ever been to the Dominican Republic, you’ll understand why these athletes are doing whatever it takes to get the hell out of there in a hurry. Meanwhile, we don’t see Fielder expressing as much concern about advancing 90 feet in such a rush.
The DUD says: Latinos
Which number will be greater, innings pitched by Stephen Strasburg or number of games played by Josh Hamilton and Troy Tulowitzki?
Wow. Talk about a tough one. I’ve been unable to get an erection for days just thinking about it. Hamilton has averaged 134 games the last three seasons, and you know that he’s due for some kind of relapse. I mean, it’s only a matter of time before he’s busted huffing some jenkem behind a Fullerton 7-Eleven with Howie Kendrick’s cousin. Meanwhile, Tulowitzki has averaged just 104 games the last three years. It’s no secret that Stephen Strasburg was pretty pissed about being shutdown last year, and according to reports, there is no innings limit set for him this year. But I’m not about to bet my per diem savings on a guy who has never thrown more than 160 innings in a season. While pitching over 200 innings isn’t a long shot, approaching a Verlander-esque total of 238 seems more unlikely than me walking in on my wife scissoring Tara Reid tonight.
The DUD says: Hamilton and Tulowitzki
Which number will be greater, runs scored by the entire AL East in 2013 or the attendance at the Twins/Marlins game on Tuesday, June 25th?
Did you see the picture of the Marlins fans in line for advance ticket sales last week?
Granted, that broad in all black might be required to buy two seats for herself, but just four people? And please tell me that guy to her right isn’t fucking her. Did Harley make her a special bike? Ugh. You can do better, meow. And you know the guy at the back of the line won’t give up hunting gators the night of the 25th if the Marlins are out of it by then. AL East teams scored 3,667 runs last year, and that was without the entire Marlins roster being shipped to Toronto. And you would have to think if Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria sees more than 1,200 people in the stands that night, he’ll be happy. But who knows? Maybe the marketing team pulls out a “If Your Last Name Ends With The Letters ‘EZ’ You Get Three Free Tickets” promotion, and the entire city of Miami shows up.
The DUD says: AL East Runs Scored
Which number will be greater, combined RBI total of Ryan Braun and Aramis Ramirez or Adam Dunn strikeouts?
It’s almost as if Dunn doesn’t care about striking out as much as Braun and Ramirez do care about driving in runs. They finished 2012 with a combined 217 RBI. Meanwhile, Dunn was the only major leaguer with over 2oo strikeouts last year, finishing 2012 with 222, just one shy of the record held by Mark Reynolds. We’re going to lean with Dunn since he strikes out more often than a black man at a Rockefeller family function.
The DUD Says: Adam Dunn