by Mike Slebodnik
As we close in on the first ever UFC featuring two chicks fighting in the main event, I think it’s important for me to give you a breakdown of ALL the Main Card fights and make some predictions – instead of talking about how hot I think Rhonda Rousey is, even though she has smaller tits than Barry Murphy. So, here we go…
John Koscheck Vs. Robbie Lawler
This fight is like what happens at the place you work when the company merges and suddenly there’s a bunch of new people in your department. But instead of brown-nosing to keep your job, your boss is Dana White and he makes you and the new guy fight to see who gets to keep his job. Lawler, who gets most of his wins with KOs, is coming off a UD loss and he’s debuting in the UFC – so he has something to prove. Koscheck is coming off a Split Decision loss to Johnny Hendricks – where he took some big shots from arguably the heaviest hands in the division – and weathered the storm. If he can eat some shots from Lawler and take it to the ground, he should pull it off.
Pick: Koscheck (UD)
Court McGee Vs. Josh Neer
I dont know anything about these guys. They both look like killers so I’ll defer to science to sort this one out. If you say “Josh Neer” quickly it sounds like “Jah Sneer” which means ‘God is scowling’ in Latin and that’s badass. If you say the name “Court McGee” at any speed, it sounds like the name of a visiting guidance counselor from Texas A&M, played by Ed Helms as a guest spot on Parks And Recreation – or it sounds like a girl, who doesn’t like people to use her full name, Courtney. Either way, the guy’s a fuckin’ losah.
Pick: Josh Neer (KO)
Urijah Faber Vs. Ivan Menjivar
Faber is entering that off-putting realm of a fighter’s career when his best days might be behind him. Menjivar’s nickname is the “Pride of El Salvador” which speaks volumes for El Salvador, who prides themselves by standing on the shoulders of a fighter who is mostly unrecognized outside of El Salvador. So if El Salvador was fighting, then definitely Uriah would kick their asses, but he’s fighting a hungry young fighter looking to continue his climb and who I think will ultimately win.
Pick: Menjivar (Decision)
Dan Henderson Vs. Lyoto Machida
Damn, this fight is so good that it should be on Pride instead of the UFC, so it gets the appreciation it deserves. Henderson is coming off a knee injury that kept him from taking on Jon Jones a while back and I saw Lyoto’s last fight in person, when he dismantled Ryan Bader – who happens to have a similar style to Hendo – but not on the same level. If Henderson can close the distance, he’ll control the pace of the fight and ultimately be able to pull off a decision, but if Lyoto keeps him at bey and uses his legs and knees he’ll be able to out score Henderson. I think Henderson will bide his time, take a beating and setup a knockout.
Pick: Henderson (KO)
Ronda Rousey Vs. Lis Carmouche
Ronda Rousey is both newly single and straight. Liz Carmouche is attracted to strong women – that means she’ll probably be distracted by Rousey’s smile and single status for a couple seconds, at least. Unfortunately that’s long enough for Rousey to take her to the ground and snap her arm off. By the way, Rousey had to cut to 135, which means she’s bigger and probably much stronger than Carmouche, not to mention lightning fast with submissions and transitions. She will outclass Carmouche, to everyone’s expectations, then return to Los Angeles to begin dating and then inevitably marrying…me.
Pick: Slebodnik (Marrying Up)