by Tommy Gimler
Todd Helton has been playing first base for the Colorado Rockies since like 1947, and over that time span, he’s lived a rather quiet life off of the field. But that all changed this morning at 2:39am when Helton decided to leave his Thornton, CO residence and drive a few blocks to a local gas station for what we assume was a box or two of Mike And Ikes and some scratchers. Nothing wrong with that. Who doesn’t like Mike And Ikes? The problem is that Todd Helton’s pickup truck was being driven “in an erratic manner” because he was hammered, and that means it’s big points for your CAGA (Current Athletes Getting Arrested) Fantasy League.
Here’s how you score this puppy:
Your athlete, in this case Todd Helton, got arrested: 1 point
He’s not a minority: 2 points
Embarrassing mugshot, and I mean almost as embarrassing at this attempt at the national anthem: 3 points
But no armful of Funions, Milk Duds, and other munchies in the picture: minus 1 point
Shock Value – No prior record: 3 points
“Thug-O-Meter” (how gangster was the crime) – DUI: minus 1 point
No police chase/cooperated with authorities/released an apology admitting to arrest for DUI. I mean, what a super fucking boring arrest: minus 1 point
The gas station was literally just blocks away from your house, you fucking idiot: minus 1 point
Weapon(s) used – pickup truck and probably a bucket of the Banquet Beer: 2 points for variety
Total Points For Todd Helton getting arrested on suspicion of DUI: 7 points
The DUD Analysis
From the looks of Helton’s mugshot, I’m surprised he wasn’t arrested for falling asleep behind the wheel at the drive-thru window at the the Thornton Jack in the Box on Washington Street. I mean, he certainly has had no problem finding food this winter. But Todd Helton’s arrest on suspicion of DUI should serve as a reminder for everybody in your CAGA Fantasy League. Drafting a white guy who has never done anything wrong can eventually pay off. If this was Mark Grace or Charles Barkley or any member of the Dallas Cowboys defense, it probably would have been worth only a point or two. But in this case, a choir boy like Helton has just netted your squad a full seven points.
2013 is on pace to be a record setting year for your Athletes Getting Arrested Fantasy Leagues. I’m sure we’ll talk again next week. Remember, every time a bell rings, some athlete somewhere is doing something or someone he shouldn’t…