This Is My Last Post, Bro


by Rakesh The Intern

Check it out, bro. All of this talk about brothers in the Super Bowl has made me realize that I miss all thirteen of my brothers back in Howrah, and I am going to move back there for a few months to spend time with them as well as handicap some local cricket matches, buddy. But I tell my boss that I do one more article about American football gambling before I go, so this is what I think will happen on Sunday other than me nailing drunk American girl, my friend.

Here is what I am thinking for Super Bowl XLVII, bro:

San Francisco 49ers vs. Baltimore Ravens (+3.5) and UNDER 47.5 Points

Listen, bro. You can make case for either team to win this game, my friend. It’s just like my first day in America. On the plane I was sitting between black chick and cripple, and I could make strong case to have sex with both of them, bro. I think the half point will come into play, as this one could be decided by last second field goal. It’s just extremely hard, like me when I look at picture of Alyssa Milano, my friend, to pick outright winner, so I’ll take points, bro. 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick has already won once in the Superdome this year, and he proved two week ago that he could win big game on the road indoors against Atlanta, bro. But Joe Flacco has also been stud indoors over his career, throwing 10 touchdowns and just one interception, my friend. And the Harbaugh brothers know each other so well, bro. Shit, they’re brothers, my friend. They have gotten all football advice from their father, and the last time they play against each other, only one touchdown was scored in the game, bro. I think this game is very similar to that one, and that means you should be drinking alcoholic beverage many times to enjoy it, bro…

Coin Toss: TAILS (-105)

Check it out, bro. The last four coin tosses have all been heads, and there have never been five consecutive coin tosses come out as either heads or tails, my friend. Trust me on coin tosses, bro. I had to win a coin toss to get into the University of Toledo, my friend. Tails will never fail or whatever you call it in this country, bro…

The First Score Of The Game Will Be A Field Goal/Safety (+120)

Look, bro. Both coaches got their football smarts from their father, so touchdowns will be at premium, my friend. It will be like me going against my brothers when we play Indian version of paper, rock scissors called elephant, snake, gypsy. Everybody know you don’t take gypsy, so none of my brothers will take gypsy, bro. You see what I get at here, my friend? Only thing that could fuck you here would be that shit from pig kicker from 49ers David Akers. If dude was trying to end his life, he couldn’t kick out chair he was standing on or whatever you say in this country…

San Francisco 49ers UNDER 13 1/2 First Half Points (-105)

Check it out, bro. Since Colin Kaepernick took over at quarterback for the 49ers, his offense has scored 14 or more points in the first half 4 of those 9 games, my friend. In the three games he has played indoors, the offense has scored 14 or more just once, bro. Most silly American gamblers are jumping on the over, and my Uncle Omkar always tell me to bet against public. Granted, he is now behind bars in Howrah for hitting of wife and fixing local cricket matches, but I still believe what he say, bro…

Total Completions For Joe Flacco UNDER 20.5 (+105)

Listen, bro. In the regular season, Joe Flacco completed less than 60% of his passes, my friend. In the postseason, he is even worse at 54.8%. If that last number holds true in Super Bowl, then that means he will have to attempt at least 38 passes for him to hit 21 completions. And if that happens, it will be the most passes he has thrown in a game this postseason. This bet is easier than my easier than my cousin Miti, bro. Huge slut, bro. Like 12 kids and she’s only 26…

Total Carries For Frank Gore OVER 19.5 (-125)

Check it out, bro. Gore has carried ball 20 or more times in four of the last five games, my friend. This is another easy bet, bro. It’s like playing badminton back in Howrah against my cousin Gokul. Dude has baby left arm and a lazy eye. The kids at school used to beat the shit out him for it, and then at family party on weekend, I would beat shit out of him in backyard sports, boss. Sad shit, bro. Anyway, point here is take the over for his carries, bro…

Last Week: 2-2

This Season: 50-34-1

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2 Responses to This Is My Last Post, Bro

  1. Gary D says:

    It’s nice that Rakesh is going back to be with his brothers. Sweet ending for a guy who worked for free all season for a tyrant like you. Anyway, Baldev likes to bet NBA hoops. Just sayin’.

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