Signs Your Franchise, Just Like Corey Feldman, Has Hit Rock Bottom

corey feldman

by Tommy Gimler

Corey Feldman hasn’t been relevant since Reagan was in office. Well, except for the day that Corey Haim died. That’s when for just a couple of seconds you looked at the guy in the cube next to you and asked, “Whatever happened to that other fucking loser, Corey Feldman?” Other than that, Feldman’s appeared in a few reality television shows and outside the 7-Eleven on Fairfax begging for meth. That’s what we call rock bottom, and that’s where these sports franchises currently find themselves.

Philadelphia 76ers

The 76ers long and painful path to worthlessness started in 2002 when Allen Iverson began ranting about practice. They haven’t won the Atlantic Division in 12 years, and last year was the first year the team went beyond the first round of the playoffs since 2002-03. But even that cunt hair of success seems like a distant memory as the 76ers are currently six games under .500 and four games behind the Celtics for eighth in the East. Andrew Bynum has scored just as many points in a Philly uniform as I have. And just yesterday, a 76ers “fan” purchased 18 tickets for less than a buck:

Actually, it looks like he could have had most of the upper deck for another six bucks. But the point here is that when somebody like this guy purchases 18 tickets to one of your team’s home games that isn’t against the Milwaukee Bucks for under one dollar because he thought it would be funny, that’s when you know your team has become this:

Jacksonville Jaguars

While teams like the New York Giants are busy making tough decisions like releasing their leading rusher from the last three seasons in hopes of making another postseason run, the Jacksonville Jaguars have something else in mind. The Jaguars are fresh off a pig shit 2-14 2012 season and owners of the worst starting quarterback not named Mark Sanchez, but the front office has identified the team’s logo as priority #1 this offseason.

Much like an Eddie Murphy movie at the box office, the Jaguars constantly find themselves near the bottom of the league in sales albeit tickets or merchandise. So a logo change isn’t that surprising. But they went from this:

to this:

Really? What a drastic change. I’m sure opponents are going to be terrified now.

Has anybody in the front office thought about the possibility that maybe, and just maybe, the people living in the shithole known as Jacksonville don’t want to wear anything with a fucking cat on it because the only jaguar in the city resides at the city zoo, which if it’s anything like the rest of the city or its football team, is probably one of the worst in the country?

New Jaguars owner Shad Khan said yesterday that Jacksonville is moving forward with a new identity, but let’s be honest. The new logo isn’t going to change anything. As long as Blaine Gabbert continues to put his hands flush against the Jaguars’ center’s taint to signal the start of every offensive play, then the Jaguars are going to continue to be as successful as this guy:

Miami Marlins

Pitchers and catchers report to camp in four days, but the big news today from the Miami Marlins’ official website is that four Spring Training games are going to be televised on Fox Sports Florida. The big question is, “Who gives a shit?”

Here’s a side-by-side of last year’s lineup and the projected lineup for this year’s squad:

2012                                                    2013

1. Jose Reyes, SS                                   1. Juan Pierre, CF

2. Emilio Bonifacio, CF                       2. Placido Polanco, 3B

3. Hanley Ramirez, 3B                        3. Giancarlo Stanton, RF

4. Giancarlo Stanton, RF                    4. Logan Morrison, 1B

5. Logan Morrison, LF                        5. Justin Ruggiano, LF

6. Gaby Sanchez, 1B                             6. Rob Brantly, C

7. Omar Infante, 2B                             7. Donovan Solano, 2B

8. John Buck, C                                     8. Adeiny Hechavarria, SS

9. Josh Johnson, P                               9. Ricky Nolasco, P

Of the two remaining Opening Day starters from a year ago, one is too addicted to Twitter off the field to ever be considered a talent on it, and the other is so disgusted with the team’s overhaul that many are expecting a falloff in his production this year.

Our sources in Florida tell us that many of the conversations inside the local Waffle Houses sound similar to this:

Of course, since it’s Florida, the only difference is that all of those conversations are in Spanish.

Even more disturbing for the dozen or so Marlins fans remaining is a report that surfaced this week suggesting that former Florida governor Jeb Bush apparently approached Marlins owner/turd Jeffrey Loria about purchasing the team months ago but was turned away.

So, Marlins fans, when your owner turns away a Bush that is actually trying to do something good in this country, your team has officially hit rock bottom. Just like this guy:

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