On the heels of a captivating night in Houston that features amazing bank shots from the likes of Swin Cash and a Depends-wearing Dominique Wilkins, NBA commissioner David Stern announced the musical acts which will be wowing the thousands of sure-to-be disappointed fans at next year’s NBA All-Star weekend.
“We’ve spent a lot of time really trying to determine the types of things our fans are getting down to,” said Stern. “If you thought that Phil Phillips and Fall Out Boy rocked the crowd in Houston, next year is going to be even more mind-blowing.”
Avid NBA fan and Greenspoint neighborhood resident Joe “C-Note” Hollingsworth had barely caught his breath from the Sprite Skills Competition when he heard Stern’s announcement. “Oh snap! Fo real dawg? D-sizzle said SHE gonna be down in Nawlins for dat shit in ‘14? I best get my bidness straight fo that trip, bee-atch.”
Announced acts for 2014’s game in New Orleans include Kenny Loggins, Trey Anastasio, and (to Hollingsworth’s delight) headliner and 8-time Grammy winner Dolly Parton.
Stern continued, “It’s clear that NBA fans demand top-notch entertainment. We’ve answered their needs by continuing to include top WNBA talent, Muggsy Bogues, and horrific fashion decisions by our biggest stars on All-Star Saturday. When you add the stylings of Top Gun soundtrack maestro Loggins, jam band star Anastasio, and the silky twang of Ms. Dolly Parton, it’s like seeing James White misconnect on 1:30 worth of dunks. Of course, as you know, a majority of our league are also genetically predisposed to women of her size and stature.”
In a similar but unrelated announcement the 2013 National Finals Rodeo Competition in Las Vegas will see musical acts Yung Joc, Lil Wayne, and Englebert Humperdinck perform.