by Tommy Gimler
According to Forbes, Taylor Swift made $57 million between May 2011 and May 2012. That’s quite a haul for an untalented piece of pig shit. And during the 2013 MLB season, you’ll be able to list these “ballplayers” in the same category.
NOTE: All of our MLB salaries information came from http://www.spotrac.com/top-salaries/mlb/.
5. Juan Uribe – 3B, Los Angeles Dodgers
From the looks of it, Juan Uribe has been putting most of this 3-year, $21 million deal into his pie hole instead of his play on the field. Set to make $7 million in 2013, the odds of Uribe even seeing the field this year for the Dodgers, unlike him, are pretty slim. The Dodgers have been trying to shop him the entire offseason but have been unsuccessful. Apparently, a 33-year-old overweight backup third baseman set to pull down $7 million and coming off of a .191 season in which he only played 66 games isn’t at the top of other teams’ list of must-haves.
4. Chris Carpenter – P, St. Louis Cardinals
There’s no denying how much Chris Carpenter meant to the 2011 World Champion St. Louis Cardinals. But since signing a 2-year, $21 million extension, he’s been pretty much nonexistent. Christ, even Jeff Suppan pitched in more regular season games than Carp did last year, and he’s a worthless turd. And with Carp’s announcement that he probably won’t throw a single pitch in 2013, it means the Cardinals are paying him $12.5 million dollars this year to watch Cincinnati win the NL Central.
3. Tim Lincecum – P, San Francisco Giants
Mitch Kramer can buy a shitload of pot with his $22.25 million salary in 2013, and if he pitches as well as he did last year, he’ll have plenty of time to smoke it in the bullpen. After posting his lowest wins, strikeouts, and innings totals since his rookie campaign in 2007 as well as career worsts in ERA, WHIP, losses, and HR allowed, some people like RotoChamp and FanGraphs are expecting a bounce back year for Lincecum, expecting a 12-13 wins, 190-210 K’s, and a 3.61-3.64 ERA. Even if he posts those numbers, they’re nowhere close to being worth $22.25 million. We’re going to go the Jack Parkman route and say, “New haircut, same dead arm.”
2. Vernon Wells – OF/Bench, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
Since joining the Angels in 2011, Vernon Wells has hit .222 with 36 home runs, 96 runs, and 95 RBI in 208 games. To be honest, those aren’t too bad of numbers for a guy who doesn’t play everyday. But if I’m paying you $24.6 million this year, I not only expect you to play every single inning of every single game, but we’re having lunch four times a week, and then you’re washing my fucking Toyota Corolla afterward, and you’re going to let me plow your sister while you’re doing it. Wells has pretty much done everything but earn his money since coming over to the Angels. 73 other players have more home runs since 2011, and 150 players have more RBI. But only three players will earn more coin than Wells this year, and one of them isn’t Josh Hamilton, the guy who is actually starting in front of Wells in right field. He’ll only pull in $17.4 million.
1. Alex Rodriguez – 3B/DL, New York Yankees
One of those players earning more than Wells this year is this turd. Over the last two seasons, 102 players have more RBI, 66 players have scored more runs, and 89 players have more home runs than Alex Rodriguez. Yet nobody has earned more cash than A-Rod, and 2013 won’t be any different. The former AL MVP will take home $29 million this year even though the earliest he’ll see any action on a Major League field is after the All-Star break, and even if that happens, there are questions as to how effective he’ll really be now that the Biogenesis facility has closed its doors…