by Tommy Gimler

Ken Jennings: I’ll take African-American Porn Stars for $7,500, Alex.

Alex Trebek: And the answer: Lexington Steele, Janet Jacme, Cherokee D’Ass, Strokahontas, Nyomi Banxxx, Pinky, and Ebony Ayes.

Ken Jennings: Who are black porn stars on DVD’s that are no longer in Muskegon resident Earlie Johnson’s possession?

Alex Trebek: Surprised you knew that, and you’re on a roll. The board is still yours…

Here’s an early “Article of the Year” candidate.

In a story that is almost as ridiculous as the fact that a Grand Rapids, MI television station spent nearly three minutes of their local newscast last week covering it, Muskegon resident Earlie Johnson has confirmed that there is absolutely reason to ever set foot in Muskegon. Well, at least not anymore.

Upon returning to their house last Tuesday, Johnson and his fiance noticed their back door had been kicked in by burglars. But when the African-American couple entered the house, they noticed that the thieves made off with Earlie’s vintage collection of African-American porn. An all-white WZZM-13 news team has more:

It’s our pleasure to break this biznatch down…

The DUD Breakdown

1) Speaking of plowing black people, this cougar of an anchor has had her share of dark meat. The hoop earrings reveal that secret right away.

2) How much did they drop on building this news set, a few hundred bucks? I mean, how small is this thing? You can see Phil Dawson swinging back and forth into and out of the close up shot of the cougar.

3) On deck is a story entitled Fish Fraud, which we think might be the same exact story as this one.

4) Checking in on this stolen porn is part of WZZM’s “On Your Side” segment, which is funny since it’s also the most often used position in African-American fuck films.

5) At the 20-second mark, we meet WZZM’s Phil Dawson. He only does the hard-hitting, award-winning stories involving stolen porn and angry birds:

At the 16-second mark of that video, Dawson exclaims “He came at me hard,” a phrase he wisely refrains from using during the stolen porn segment.

6) At the 50-second mark, we see Earlie Johnson revealing where he kept his valuable collection of skin flicks, and apparently it was a drawer in his bedroom or bathroom. You see, I can’t tell because I usually don’t keep my toothbrush next to the remote control in front of my TV.

7) And we’re not potheads, but we’re almost positive that on at least one occasion that small, clear jar on top of the DVD player contained some ganja.

8 ) At the 52-second mark, you might want to be careful going through those “T-shirts” that were next to his stolen porn collection.

9) Pause the video at the 53-second mark. If the sons of bitches who orchestrated this unspeakable crime are ever brought to justice, hopefully it is noted that they did display a soft side while committing this robbery. I mean, from the looks of it, they didn’t leave Earlie Johnson totally empty handed. There is still one piece of smut remaining in the “naughty” drawer, and they didn’t touch his multiple sources of lube on the dresser (Vaseline, lotion bottle with a pump, some pink shit, and something that was prescribed). And of course, everybody knows you can’t have a wank without a 16 ounce can of Budweiser.

10) Pause the video at the 55-second mark. This is why I never stick my hand into the penny tray at the gas station.

11) At the 1:06 mark, Earlie tells us that “we noticed that our drawers had been ransacked.” In a completely unrelated story, 300 college coeds attending an East Coast institution will say the same thing to campus police when they wake up after a night of partying at a frat house this weekend.

12) At the 1:14 mark, we meet Earlie Johnson’s fiance, who calls herself Angela Morton. But everybody knows that her real name is Little Richard.

13) I’m surprised that the burglars didn’t make off with that DVD player we see at the 1:23 mark. I mean, it must be pretty valuable since it plays DVD’s that are inserted upside down.

14) At the 1:25 mark, we see that the Johnsons just throw random socks over their televisions until they can find the other one that completes the set.

15) At the 1:28 mark, you can’t tell me that the producers had absolutely no idea how funny flashing the word “load” on the DVD player’s screen would be during a segment on porn.

16) At the 1:35 mark, Earlie tells us that his fuck flick collection was so valuable that people would pay “cash money” for it as opposed to just cash or money.

17) Here’s where Earlie’s story becomes a little unbelievable. He tells us that the footage on these DVD’s can’t be found anywhere, “not on the internet or nothing.” Has he ever used the internet? You can find anything on the internet. Believe me, if you can find a horse plowing a fat white chick’s ass in a barn in Pennsylvania on the internet, then you’ll be able to find Tony Eveready jackhammering Caramel.

18) At the 1:45 mark, Phil Dawson refers to Earlie’s stolen porn as his stamp collection. Um, no. If you’re collecting stamps, you don’t use them.

19) At the 1:52 mark, Little Richard tells us that people probably think they’re freaks. Yup, we do. But it’s not because of the collection of porn that was stolen. We just can’t figure out why you have a random 40-pound bag of dog food as part of your living room decor, you freaks.

20) Just before the two-minute mark, Earlie ensures us that he’s not a scumbag or a pervert or anything like that. No, of course not. A lot of us have a porn collection that we go on the news to discuss on a weekly basis, and then tell the world that they keep our relationships fresh and tight as well as teaching us things that we use on our partners. Earlie’s father, if he knows who he is, must be so proud of his boy.

21) So, what will Earlie do now? He says he’s going to “collect over, start over.” Might we suggest just paying for an internet connection?

22) Does Geico not cover porn collections? I could have sworn I heard that little lizard say they do in at least six or seven different commercials. Either that, or I was really baked. Hopefully, Earlie Johnson’s plight opens insurance providers’ eyes to what really matters to renters.

22) And finally, let this be a warning for anybody who tries to fuck with Earlie Johnson in the future. He didn’t report the stolen smut to the police because Earlie Johnson doesn’t call the police. He instead does the right thing, and that is contacting a bunch of white folk at the local news station who will put him on television and make him look like a fucking idiot…