Felix Hernandez’s $25 Million Per Year Actually Makes Sense Because Of Turds Like Edwin Jackson And Jeff Suppan

felix hernandez

by Tommy Gimler

The idea of a guy who takes the field once every five games earning $25 million per year used to seem as far-fetched as Taylor Swift being labeled as talent. And if you’re like my dad, you’re whining to anybody at Pick ‘n Save who has their hearing aids turned up about it. If you’re like me, you know how to use a computer, and you’ll see that King Felix pulling down enough coin in one year to buy the entire city of Detroit isn’t as implausible as you’d think.

Over the past six MLB seasons, to say Felix Hernandez has been a stud or machote is an understatement. His 136 quality starts are the 3rd most amongst all starting pitchers. His 21 complete games are 4th most. His 8 shutouts are 3rd. His 1,345 innings pitched are 4th. His 3.06 ERA is 4th best amongst pitchers with at least 100 starts, and his 195 starts are the 7th most in the game, just 5 off of the lead. His 1,234 strikeouts are the 4th most amongst starters, and his 141 GIDP’s are the most. And his 82 wins are sixth most even though the Mariners have averaged less than 73 wins each year since the 2007 season.

So, are numbers like that, albeit impressive, worth $25 million per year given the fact that King Felix will take the mound in less than 21% of his team’s games? On the surface, you would think that Seattle Mariners GM Jack Zduriencik is off his fucking meds. But when you take into consideration the following two turds (and there are far more than just these two) who still filled their pockets while the opposing team filled their stat sheets with home runs, then the 7-year, $175 million deal doesn’t seem too bad. In fact, it looks like one hell of a steal.

Edwin Jackson – Chicago Cubs

The Scrubs signed Jackson to a 4-year, $52 million deal after a season in which he finished 10-11 and had a ERA over 4 in the National League on a team that won 23 more games and scored 112 more runs than Hernandez’s Mariners. Compared to Hernandez, Jackson finished with an ERA almost a full run higher, giving up six more earned runs in 42 fewer innings. He had three less wins, four less complete games, four less quality starts, five less shutouts, and 55 fewer strikeouts. He also gave up nine more home runs than Hernandez.

Jeff Suppan’s 2010 Season With Milwaukee

Jeff Fucking Suppan made $12.5 million when he appeared in 15 games for the Milwaukee Brewers. In 31 innings, Suppan littered the scoreboard worse than a Lake Michigan seagull, giving up 27 earned runs, 4 home runs, 12 walks, and somehow 18 strikeouts. That was good enough for a 7.84 ERA and 2.00 WHIP. King Felix, meanwhile, took home the AL Cy Young Award despite winning only 13 games. Although, it was 13 more than Suppan. He also posted a 2.27 ERA and 1.06 WHIP while striking out 232 batters over 249.2 innings.

If we had to use pictures to describe each pitcher’s 2010 season, then this would be Hernandez’s:

And this would be Suppan’s:

Now, if the “it” on the bottom cost $12.50 to make out with, wouldn’t you pay double, hell, everything in your pocket to stick your face between the other one’s funbags?

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