Cardinals Manager Mike Matheny: A Huge Pussy?

mike matheny

by Tommy Gimler

St. Louis Cardinals manager Mike Matheny has requested a meeting with Joe Torre, MLB’s Executive VP of Baseball Operations, to discuss the possibility of banning home plate collisions. We think he should go fuck himself.

Home plate collisions are as big of a part of the game of baseball as chewing tobacco and chlamydia. Asking to take them out of the game is Un-American. In fact, home plate collisions are such a big part of America’s Pastime that just two years ago, this puppy from the 1970 All-Star Game was considered by Major League Baseball as one of the greatest moments in the game’s history:

God damn, that’s awesome.

Matheny continued whining to reporters in Fort Myers yesterday by saying, “This isn’t a collision sport. There’s enough of a physical grind with guys being out there for 162 games. We’ve got the physical aspect of this game. It doesn’t need to include that one spot.”

Look, Mike. If you take away home plate collisions, then what’s next? Banning hard slides into second base to break up double plays? It’s baseball. Players are going to get hurt one way or another.

Sammy Sosa hurt himself sneezing once, so I guess that should be banned in the clubhouse.

Derek Jeter dove for a ball last year and fractured his ankle. So while we’re at it, we should outlaw diving for balls to prevent injuries like that in the future.

Cardinals pitching was 6th in the National League last wear by beaning 50 batters. Matheny didn’t seem too concerned about those hitters’ safety while whining to reporters yesterday. Hall of Fame outfielder and alleged woman groper Kirby Puckett once had his jaw broken by a Dennis Martinez fastball, and current Yankees center fielder Curtis Granderson is out ten weeks after being hit by a pitch. Maybe we should outlaw pitching inside so players don’t get hurt.

Or better yet, let’s help out both hitters and pitchers at the same time and say that you have to just lob the pitches in so if it does hit the batter, it won’t hurt. Plus, there will be less wear and tear on the pitcher’s shoulder, preventing injuries there as well.

Some players roll their ankles while stepping on the bases, so in 2013, let’s just play “loose bags” so that doesn’t happen to anybody.

There are more collisions at the pitcher’s mound every year between a batted ball and the pitcher than there are at home plate. So, to curb that problem, let’s just say that any ball hit up the middle at the pitcher is an automatic out.

Or what happens when a player tweaks his neck looking at the hot broad in the front row of Section 110? Maybe we should outlaw looking at broads so that doesn’t happen as well.

Matheny told reporters that he combats the current rules by teaching the Cardinals catchers to leave part home plate exposed to the runner, allowing an area for the runner to slide. That’s all fine and dandy if you want to teach your catchers to play the game like a pussy. Or you could teach them that by signing that $75 million contract, much like in any sport, you are taking a risk that at some point between the lines, you might come across some pretty physical play that might or might not result in an injury, and that’s OK because you are making $75 million and playing the game of baseball. And if that doesn’t sound like something his catchers want to endure, then we recommend playing in the Culver City Recreation Softball League for free, where your best chance for injury is getting shanked on the way back to your car…

What do you think? Leave a comment or subscribe to the RSS feed to have future articles delivered to your feed reader.

2 Responses to Cardinals Manager Mike Matheny: A Huge Pussy?

  1. Clayton says:

    This is literally one of the worst pieces of shit I’ve ever read on the internet. Kill yourself. Here is so-called whiny (learn some new words, dumbass) Matheny getting pegged. He retired due to concussions and is looking out for the wellbeing of players, you ignorant, inbred piece of shit.

    http://deadspin.com/that-time-mike-matheny-took-a-fastball-to-the-face-and-1451042467

  2. tgim says:

    Nice Clayton! Way to be timely, commenting on a post that’s almost eight months old. Then again, it must be a bitch getting to things in a timely manner since your grandma refuses to upgrade on her dial-up connection you’re using in her basement. Now stop wasting our time and go see what the broad has upstairs in her refrigerator.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Image Description