All-Star Weekend: Who Is The Best Cracker In The NBA This Year?
by Tommy Gimler
The only thing dying off faster than the amount of college degrees in the NBA is the existence of white players who make significant contributions to the stat sheet in categories other than 3-point field goal percentage and shoe size. Of the 25 players currently slated to play in this Sunday’s All-Star Game in the shithole known as Houston, only 4% of them are white, meaning Golden State’s David Lee is going to be one lonely cracker.
Also, because of injuries and just a general lack of talent, it means that for the first time in thirteen years, somebody not named Kevin Love, Dirk Nowitzki or Steve Nash can be classified as the best white player in the league. Although that’s pretty much the equivalent of saying you’re the top retard at the Special Olympics. Also, surprisingly nobody on this list plays for the Utah Jazz.
Well, this year’s recipient of the Jack Sikma Award is:
David Lee – PF, Golden State Warriors
Lee’s 19 points per game rank 12th amongst qualified players, and he is actually the only cracker who cracks the top 25 in scoring. His 552 rebounds before the All-Star break are 6th best, his 1,897 minutes are 12th most, and he leads all players, even the black guys, in double-doubles. In fact, he averages a double-double every game with his 19 points and 10.8 rebounds per game, impressive for any NBA player but godlike amongst crackers…
Ryan Anderson – PF, New Orleans Hornets
Anderson is having a nice little season for a team that’s almost as shitty as Taylor Swift singing without the aid of a computer. Seriously, listen to this pig shit:
Voted last year’s Most Improved Player, Anderson is averaging just over 17 points per game (31st best) this season along with 6.4 boards. Next to the Clippers’ Jamal Crawfored, Anderson is the best sixth man in the game, meaning that amongst crackers, he is the best…
Nikola Vucevic – C, Orlando Magic
He might look dumber than a box of shit in this picture, but this seven-footer averages a double-double every game for the pile of rabbit turds known as the Orlando Magic. His 11.5 rebounds per game are second only to Dwight Howard, and he also throws in 12.5 points per game. His 29 double-doubles are third best in the game, trailing only Lee and Zack Randolph. Earlier this season, Vucevic grabbed 29 boards in an overtime loss to the Miami Heat. Since the 1985-86 season, that number has been eclipsed only once, when Kevin Love, another cracker, pulled down 31 boards in 2010…