by Tommy Gimler
Last night’s BCS Championship Game was a bigger disappointment than the time I took a girl to see the movie Juno and later found out she was a 27-year-old virgin. I was 29, she was 27. I was sexually active, of course. I mean, c’mon. I play guitar and work out. But she wasn’t broken in yet. And there we were, watching a movie about two high school kids fucking and one of them getting knocked up. Now that’s disappointing. And last’s night’s game was worse than that.
Last night’s game was so bad that before the final snap, I found myself sitting next to my wife and her purse dog watching The Bachelor. That show was so bad and unrealistic that a one-armed woman actually advanced to the second round. I’m supposed to believe this? Here’s a guy who gets a stab at 25 beautiful women, and he’s going to choose the one who can’t open a bottle of beer?
Let’s be honest. Alabama’s performance was impressive. Eddie Lacy and T.J. Yeldon looked like Marshawn Lynch and Adrian Peterson running against a defense in the Pro Bowl, A.J. McCarron was the best quarterback on the field and the luckiest guy in the world off of it (click here), and the Alabama defense actually tackled their opponents.
But less than five minutes into the game, you just had the feeling that this was going to be the equivalent to watching the bachelor beat his one-armed hopeful on the golf course. And by halftime, I wasn’t alone in pondering whether or not we were witnessing the worst championship game of all-time.
The end result was a 28-point Alabama ass pounding for the ages over a Notre Dame team whose coach even admitted at halftime that the only shot they had at winning the game was if Alabama didn’t come back out onto the field. But it wasn’t quite the most repulsive title game ever played. Here are three games that were even more brutal than last night:
3) January 9, 2012 – Alabama 21, LSU 0
Give Notre Dame some credit. At least they put some points on the board and moved the ball from time to time. In last year’s title game, LSU’s offense resembled my grandpa trying to climb the Rockies in his wheelchair, mustering just 92 yards of total offense. Even watching Alabama’s offense was about as much fun as paging through a book of Justin Bieber pictures. The Crimson Tide finished the night with five field goals, one late rushing touchdown, and a missed PAT. LSU’s punter had more yards than the Alabama offense, and both teams were a combined 5 of 26 on third down.
2) January 8, 2007 – Florida 41, Ohio State 14
Much like last night’s game, this one was over at halftime. The big story leading into this game was whether or not Florida deserved to be taking on the undefeated Ohio State Buckeyes for the national championship, but by the time the game ended, it was Ohio State who looked like they didn’t even deserve to be playing in the Papa John’s BBVA Compass 1-800-BAIL BONDS Thrifty Car Rental Bowl. Ohio State tallied just 82 yards of total offense. Heisman Trophy winning quarterback Troy Smith was 4 of 14 for 35 yards with no touchdowns and one interception. The Buckeyes had five 3-and-outs and one 4-and-out. There was only one score in the second half, as Jesus Christ Superstar Tim Tebow ran one yard for a Gators touchdown. If I remember it correctly, I went home with a fat broad at the end of the third quarter that night because anything was better than continuing to watch this game at the local dive bar.
1) January 3, 2001 – Oklahoma 13, Florida State 2
The 2001 FedEx Orange Bowl delivered us a sixty-minute bag of dog shit. The BCS Committee promised us an offensive explosion as Florida State’s #3 ranked unit battled Oklahoma’s #7 ranked squad. But that explosion turned out to be as awesome as a can of Diet Rite. There were more punts (18) than points (15), and those fifteen points came on two field goals, one touchdown, and a safety with less than a minute left in the game. There were 91 passes in the game, and none of them went for touchdowns. Two field goals of less than 40 yards were missed. After Oklahoma’s first quarter field goal, millions of football fans instead were forced to watch a soccer-ish 32 minutes and 52 seconds of scoreless action until Oklahoma split the uprights again late in the third quarter. That is, of course, if they were still watching…