We Found Something Worse Than Taylor Swift And It’s The Northern Illinois Men’s Basketball Team

Published by tgim on January 27th, 2013

by Tommy Gimler

Usually when a team scores four points in the first half of a basketball game, we’re usually talking about a Christian high school girls squad from Texas that was blown out by over 100 points or a team whose coach let his player with Downs play in the season finale. But this time, it’s not only a team of men, but it’s a college that somehow is still allowed to compete at the Division 1 level.

The Northern Illinois Huskies men’s basketball program broke their own NCAA Division 1 record yesterday when they scored just four points in the first twenty minutes of their battle against Eastern Michigan, a game they would obviously lose 42-25. Surprisingly, the Huskies actually held a 2-0 lead after a layup one minute into the game, but that was the only field goal they would make, setting another record of futility for the worst field goal percentage in a half (3.2%).

The Huskies also set the record for worst field goal percentage in a game (13.1%), and nearly set the mark for worst three-point shooting in a game as well until Daveon Balls and his homosexual name hit a triple with about two minutes left in the game. That left the Huskies 1 of 33 from beyond the arc and helped eclipse the NCAA record low of 20 points set by Saint Louis a few years ago.

But here’s where the story gets even more embarrassing for Northern Illinois, like Amanda Bynes embarrassing. Their four-point “effort” in the first half yesterday was obviously their worst half of the season as it broke an NCAA record, dipshit. But the crazy thing is that it broke the record of five points they set earlier this season, and that is just pathetic, like Sarah Palin pathetic.

The DUD Breakdown

1) Believe it or not, the Huskies have won four games this year against Miami of Ohio, Central Michigan, Southern Illinois University-Edwardsville, and Judson. Wait. Judson? A quick Google search produced an all-broads school in Alabama, and that sounded about right. But a closer look revealed that apparently Judson University is an NAIA Division II school with an enrollment of 1,100 kids, and yes, at one point in the game, Judson was beating the Huskies 20-12.

2) Yahoo! Sports had the balls to name the Huskies’ Daveon Balls (see what I did there?) as a top performer. Listen, kids. In a game where your team scores just four points in the first half, 25 for the game, and shoots 13.1% from the floor as well as 1 for 33 from 3-point land, there are no top performers. Everybody on the team, including Mr. Balls, is a fucking loser.

3) Thank Christ only 888 people had to witness this horse shit. They need to get that mind-erasing dildo from Men In Black up to Ypsilanti, MI immediately to help keep those folks out of therapy. And while they’re at it, they should do them a favor and throw one more vowel in the town’s name. I mean, from a “y” to a “p” without a vowel in between makes about as much sense as casting the Octomom in a porno.

4) How in the fuck does the Huskies’ head coach still have a job? I don’t care if his team is primarily freshmen and sophomores, four points in the first half of one game is one thing, but to have a five-point half in another game in the same season is almost as painful as paying for Taylor Swift album. The coach’s name is Mark Montgomery, and his team has scored under 50 points seven times already this season. And according to NCAA.com, there are 345 Division 1 men’s basketball teams. Northern Illinois ranks 338th in FG%, 337th in scoring offense, 343rd in assists per game, and 307th in three-pointers per game. If I’m Mark Montgomery, I would begin clipping coupons immediately.

5) If you haven’t totally grasped how awful the Northern Illinois Huskies were yesterday, you’re pathetic. But hopefully this gets the point across. Northern Illinois scored 25 points in 40 minutes of “action” yesterday. In girl’s high school basketball, the broads play 32 minutes, eight fewer than college games. Here is a list of every girl’s high school basketball team in Wisconsin that played Friday night and scored 25 or more points in eight fewer minutes of play than the Northern Illinois NCAA Division 1 men’s basketball team:

Visitor V Home H
51 54
33 40
36 39
48
36 45
55 44
70 34
48
53 30
37 32
53 89
52 33
41 62
40 56
85 41
44 48
39 28
30 85
39
59
42 73
39 54
55 52
46 34
63 35
46 51
28 58
43 46
61 51
34
45 33
25 41
32 39
30 43
60
48 59
82
59
34 51
45 43
55
51 43
55 46
41 48
54 70
55 53
38 45
70 68
65 53
33 50
60 66
52 57
26 49
37 54
60 62
51 71
37 32
58
39 66
35 42
64 48
64 32
35 44
41 49
66 49
57 37
34 55
75 70
42 54
42 56
47 53
50 43
38 48
40 52
33 49
34 33
27 48
25 63
50
44 34
43 34
36 50
67 53
47 59
40 37
41 39
34 46
46 55
43 34
52 26
47 25
29 55
49
56 46
43 36
52 49
26 29
38 53
34 33
57 37
57
48 28
26 28
42 52
59
32 62
26 88
39 46
57
26 42
31 45
52 66
63 73
28 54
43 56
64 27
37 47
73 44
60 34
48 33
54 48
44 37
68 31
43 56
53 26
51 41
57 27
27 67
25 57
54 64
74 40
58
44 39
39 33
45 48
46 57
44 41
48 61
46 51
What do you think? Leave a comment or subscribe to the RSS feed to have future articles delivered to your feed reader.


2 Responses

  1. Tim says:

    You know how I know I’m going to hell? In the kid with Down syndrome video you referenced, the first thing I noticed wasn’t how great of a story it was. Not how inspirational it was. Nope. I noticed that the kid travelled before both of his shots.
    Straight to hell

    • tgim says:

      Then I’ll be on the next bus in because I was the guy when SportsCenter interviewed him who changed the channel because I couldn’t understand what he was saying.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>