by Tommy Gimler
Hello, degenerates. It’s that time of year again when Little Marty’s college fund finds itself in limbo as Mike Carey flips a commemorative coin to start the most gambled on sporting event in the United States. Almost $100 million will be wagered on the big game at Nevada sports books alone, not to mention the hundreds of thousands of squares that will be purchased illegally in little podunk shitholes like Lebanon, Missouri.
If you have all of your alimony and child support paid in full, here’s a few Super Bowl XLVII prop bets that you might want to consider. Just make sure your bitch ex-wife knows nothing about it. I mean, let’s face it. Your last trip to the courthouse didn’t go so well.
1) Bet the coin toss: TAILS (-105).
Possibly the only thing more exciting on Super Bowl Sunday than the coin toss is watching two Mexican broads scissor each other behind the local Home Depot. I’m telling you, those cats will do anything for twenty bucks.
There have been 46 previous coin flips, and the results are mind blowing: heads 23 times, tails 23 times. Only Charlie Sheen’s STD tests are more unpredictable. So why are we so confident that it will be tails next Sunday? The last four coin flips have all been heads. But there has never been a five-year run where the coin toss has had the same result. Both heads and tails have each had four-year runs twice, but never five consecutive years…
2) The total number of points will be ODD (-130).
28 of the previous 46 Super Bowls have finished with an odd point total. That’s 61% of the time, which is higher than the graduation rate of Cincinnati’s men’s basketball team. On top of that, much like a game of roulette, an odd point total is overdue as the last four Super Bowls have produced even point totals. Plus, 24 of the Ravens’ and 49ers’ 37 games this year have finished with an odd point total (65%). And while were on the topic of odd, what dungeon is Marilyn Manson electrocuting his testicles in these days? Seriously, what happened to that fucking guy?
3) There will be OVER 3.5 successful field goals in the game (+120).
Let’s face it. Nothing says degenerate more than betting on the kickers in the Super Bowl, but in this game, it might be necessary, although only five of the last twenty Super Bowls have seen more than 3.5 successful field goals. And while neither kicker has made more than one field goal in a game in the postseason, 20 of the teams’ 37 games saw their kicker hit at least two field goals. And in their Thanksgiving Day battle last year, the Harbaughs sent their kickers out to the field five times, and those fairies were successful all five times.
For more even more prop bets for Super Bowl XLVII, click here.
If your fat girlfriend or bitch wife is coming, click here now.