by Rakesh The Intern
Check it out, bro. These two American football games this weekend remind me of my bipolar ex-girlfriend Kavya back in Howrah, my friend. One day she show up all beautiful and shit, bro, and next day she look like Rosie O’Donnell and empty my fridge. Sad shit, bro. And these games are same way. No matter what research you do, you can find reason for every team to win, bro. Time to flip my lucky rupee coin that actually exists, unlike Manti Te’o's dead girly, to see what will happen, buddy.
San Francisco 49ers at Atlanta Falcons (+4.5) and UNDER 49 Points
Listen, bro. If Manti Te’o would have tried to make up dead girlfriend back in my country, they would have cut off his left hand, bro. They don’t fuck around with fishing for cat in Howrah, my friend.
As for something that is real like this game, everybody and their mother are talking about Colin Kaepernick right now. He is hot like that Furby doll that every parent had to have at Christmas a few years ago, boss. But he is different quarterback on road, bro. He complete like 58.8% of his passes on road, all three of his regular season interceptions came on road, and his quarterback rating drop from 109.4 at home to 89.1 on road. Also, his rating indoors drops to 86.8, bro. And Frank Gore is becoming old like my Grandpa Sahir before our eyes, bro. In his last eight regular season games, he had 20 more carries than first eight, but his yard per carry fall from 5.5 to 4.0. And then there is David Akers. If he was trying to kill himself right now, bro, he could not kick the chair out from under him, boss. He misses one of every three kicks on road, he hits just 55.6% of kicks indoors, and just 57.9% of kicks on turf.
But check it out, bro. Everybody talk about how awesome this Matty Ice guy is at home. 34 and 6 home is impressive, my friend, but if you look at who he played this year, you would laugh and say that he beat up on Special Olympic team. The 49ers are not from Special Olympics, boss. It’s like me beating my cousin Gokul at badminton back in Howrah. He has lazy eye and baby left arm. Sad shit, bro. And this year, Matt Ryan is actually better on the road than he is at home, bro. He has nine interceptions at home, buddy! However bro, since his five-interception game two months ago, he has thrown only four picks along with 15 touchdowns, my friend. He’s so hot right now that he can’t be called Matty Ice because he would melt, buddy.
You might be asking yourself right now, bro, is this Rakesh smoking paint chips or whatever you call it in this country? The 49ers have hit five consecutive overs, and the Falcons just put up 30 against Seattle’s defense, and Rakesh says take the under? But check it out, bro. Both of these teams have amazing red zone defense, ranking 4th and 7th in the league in red zone points allowed. my friend. That means each team steps up when it matters most and forces other team to kick field goal, and if that happens again, my friend, I’ll take Matt Bryant over David Akers any day of week, bro.
The silly American public bet heavy on 49ers, so I’ll take Falcons to cover, bro.
Baltimore Ravens at New England Patriots (-8) and UNDER 51.5 Points
Check it out, bro. In the last six games between these two teams, only once has the total of points gone over 51 points, my friend. It is going to be wind chill of 10 degree with winds gusting up to 25 MPH in Foxboro Sunday night, bro. Unless each team has elephant that they can cut open and warm up in when they are on sidelines, then it is just too cold and too windy to score that many points, boss. This is by far the easiest bet of weekend, bro. Easier than my easier than my cousin Miti, bro. Huge slut, bro. Like 12 kids and she’s only 26.
But listen to this, bro. The Patriots have not covered the spread in their last three AFC Championship games. They are 2-7 against the spread in their last nine playoff games as well, bro. In their last six games against Ravens, they are 4-2 but have never won by more than six points, boss. So, then why is this team, especially after losing by one point to the Ravens in the regular season, favored by a Jessica Simpson-huge 9.5 points when initial line comes out?
I’ll have to take my Uncle Omkar’s advice on this shit, bro. He used to fix matches in the Howrah Cricket League, especially the wickets lost, bro. He would make it look like one team was going to beat shit out of other team just like he did to my Aunt Tanvi when he lost money, and people would bet million of rupees against big spread because each team was too close to each other. But then favored team would just beat down on the other team like the elephant that crushed my cousin Manish, and they would easily cover.
Look, bro. The point of the story is this. There is no reason the Patriots should be favored by more than three points in this game, and to be at -9.5 and now -8 is ridonkeylous or whatever the kids in this country are calling it these days, bro. Uncle Omkar would think that something is up here, buddy, and even though he is now in prison for fixing matches and hitting Aunt Tanvi, I’m going to agree with him, bro…
Last Week: 4-4
This Season: 48-32-1