Postseason Is Time To Post Big Winnings, Bro


by Rakesh The Intern

Check it out, bro. I keep listening to my boss and his friends talking about how hard it is to lay some action on these American football games this weekend, bro. They cry like my cousin Palash when he was stepped on by elephant at market because they say that teams are so evenly matched, my friend. Well, boss, I say that these games are easier than my cousin Miti, bro. Huge slut, bro. Like 12 kids and she’s only 26.

Here is what I am thinking for this weekend, bro:

Texas A&M at Oklahoma OVER 72.5 Points

Listen, bro. Scoring 73 points isn’t an easy thing to do. But when Texas A&M has third-best offense in football and Oklahoma has 11th-best offense, then scoring that many points is like putting candy in baby’s hand, then punching it in the face to get it back or whatever you call it in this country, bro. More importantly, Texas A&M converts 3rd downs better than any team in country, Oklahoma is like fifth-best, buddy. Both teams average over 40 points per game, are in top twenty in offensive red zone percentage, and both defenses give up over 378 yards per game, bro. Load and lock up on this one, bro…

Pittsburgh at Mississippi (-3.5) and UNDER 54 Points

Check it out, bro. We have seen in this crazy American fascination with college football bowls that it often comes down to who wants to be there, bro. This is Pittsburgh’s third straight year playing in this shit from pig BBVA Compass Bowl. Apparently it used to be called the Papa John’s Bowl, bro, but they must have figured out that Papa John’s pizza was too awesome to be associated with shit bowl game. The game this year, though, has already sold more than 54,000 tickets, and the majority have been sold to Mississippi fans, boss. It will basically be home game for Ole Miss, bro. Pittsburgh hasn’t scored over 27 point since October, bro, but their defense has given up average of just 11 points over last three games. With NFL action later that day, if you bet on this one, you probably have problem, bro, just like my Uncle Omkar. Couldn’t keep money off of meaningless shit from pig Pakistan cricket games, even when the India’s championship was going on, bro…

Arkansas State (-3.5) at Kent State

Listen, bro. The Bowl is shit game, bro, almost as shitty as commercials. Everybody and their mommy are loading up on Kent State in this one, my friend. The line has already moved 1.5 points in favor of Kent State, bro, and we have established many times not to trust silly American betting public. Both teams run the ball very well, and are equally average at stopping it, buddy. Difference in this game will be that Arkansas State can pass the ball (263 YPG) while Kent State has trouble both throwing it (163 YPG) and defending the pass (277 YPG), bro. Plus, Kent State coach bolted from school and left players hanging during dream season, bro. When you light Cuban cigar in front of friends to celebrate that you were the only one who picked this game, bro, make sure to thank Rakesh with shout out on the Twitter or by sending naked pictures of your sister, my friend…

Alabama at Notre Dame (+10) and OVER 40.5 Points

Check it out, bro. Every now and then, one of those games comes along that you like for absolutely no good reason, and this is that game, my friend. The under has hit in 10 of the last 11 games that Notre Dame has played in, and the one over that hit was a triple overtime game, bro. The under has also hit in 7 of Alabama’s last 11 games, bro. On paper, Alabama is better at almost everything. But this game remind me of when I played badminton against my cousin Gokul at my Aunt Tanvi’s hut-warming party back in Howrah last spring. Gokul has lazy eye and baby left hand, and I am physically 100% in all categories, but still Gokul take me down. I play well, too. Just for no reason, Gokul won game, bro. And that is also why I say Notre Dame +10 and over 40.5 points. No good reason, just hunch, bro…

Cincinnati Bengals at Houston Texans (-4.5)

Look, bro. The Houston Texans have stunk up the joint lately worse than an average Indian household back in Howrah, bro. Real stinky shit back home, bro. I think it’s because wearing deodorant in Howrah is like misdemeanor or some shit, my friend. And if you eat too much curry, bro, you better make sure you are not on first date at Batman movie. Serious side effects in regards to odor, bro. Anyway, Texans will play inspired football Sunday at home. Remember that in last two games on road, boss, Cincinnati has given up 12 sacks and turned the ball over five times. Andy Dalton’s QB rating on the road is 7.3 points lower than at home, while Matt Schaub’s rating at home is 101.7. This one is too easy, bro…

Minnesota Vikings at Green Bay Packers (-7.5) and UNDER 46.5 Points

Listen, bro. We have gone against Vikings last four week now, and we have been crushed like cake in front of fat kid every time, bro. Well, there is no way that this happens fifth time in row, my friend. Did you see all that had to happen last week against Packers just to win game, bro? Christian Ponder was falling backward and like completing tipped passes, my friend. The real Christian Ponder will show up just like he did in Green Bay in Week 13 and throw two completions to Packers defenders, bro, one of which will be Charles Woodson for first time since Week 7. Packers are different defense with Chuck on field, just like I am different man in dark bedroom when girl can’t see my big bush of pubic hair, bro. Great success when it’s dark. Also, Packers score over 30 point only two times at home this year, bro, so that is why I like the under here, my friend…

Indianapolis Colts at Baltimore Ravens (-7)

Check it out, bro. My mother Rupali used to tell me not to go outside in downtown Howrah, but that was because of air pollution and the streets were filled with elephant shit, bro. Andrew Luck should not play outside either, my friend, and not just because the city of Baltimore has syphilis epidemic. In six games outdoors this year, Luck has thrown 10 interceptions. On the road, his QB rating is barely over 70 along with 13 interceptions, boss. Meanwhile, even though we think Joe Flacco is a shit from pig quarterback, he has actually performed well at home this year (15 TD’s, 5 INT, 99.0 QB Rating). Even though the Colts have won 5 of their last 6 and Baltimore has lost 4 of their last 5, the fact that this game is on the road and outdoors is what does in Andrew Luck and the Colts in this blowout loss, bro. Plus, Baltimore fans will like nothing more than to see Colts owner Jim Irsay leave town with humiliation loss, my friend…

Last Week: 5-3

This Season: 37-25-1

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