Not So Deep Thoughts

Published by tgim on January 6th, 2013

by Tommy Gimler

It’s hard to get deep and meaningful the morning after celebrating the Packers humiliation of their division rival Minnesota Vikings, so if you keep your expectations low as if you’re going into a Shia LeBeouf movie, then you should enjoy this post.

The NFL or The WWE?

The crowd is on their feet in a frenzy. Fire shoots to the sky as a man appears through a cloud of smoke and fog while an announcer runs through a list of his achievements and honors. The music shifts to a song that the man has requested as he makes his way out of the corridor. A piece of sod has been placed in front of him that he picks up and crushes so the dirt falls all over himself. Now he makes his way into the open so the entire crowd can see him, but he does it using a rehearsed dance sequence that drives the crowd even further into hysteria. Again, I ask you, is this the NFL or the WWE:

Ray Lewis Superstar

The DUD’s Take

Remember when Ray Lewis was on trial for murder but took a plea deal that saw him leave an innocent man with only a misdemeanor charge of obstruction of justice? Yeah, I bet he didn’t enter the courtroom like that…

West Allis, WI Football Player Dies

Well, deceased high school football player is one way to put it. Another way would be a 16-year-old criminal killed while in the act of shoplifting and possible assault who also played football in his spare time. On the same day as the horrific Newtown school shooting, Corey Stingley was attempting to steal beer from a West Allis convenience store. The clerk offered Stingley a chance to return the beer, but Stingley instead chose to jump over the counter. Three customers helped subdue Stingley, and as the scuffle moved outside, Stingley became unconscious. When paramedics arrived on the scene, they revived him, and he was transported to a local hospital and placed on life support. But his brain damage was so severe, that he was taken off the machine yesterday and pronounced dead.

Here was Stingley’s family’s statement:

Corey was a special young man with many gifts and talents who loved life and shared his energy with all. Corey was a treasured son, brother, nephew, friend and teammate who will certainly be missed and will remain with us in spirit, which he had an abundance of, for living life to the maximum.

The DUD’s Take

Isn’t it amazing how many “special young men with many gifts and talents” are killed while or after they commit a crime? Look, there are more than six billion people on this planet, and I don’t have time to give two shits about some idiot who was killed in the act of shoplifting. When a kid is killed while attending school, that is a tragedy. But not while trying to hawk some beer from a guy who’s trying to make an honest living. Does the punishment fit the crime? Of course not. But this kid has nobody to blame for his death but himself…

The Honey Badger Says Now He Just Says No

Former LSU defensive back Tyrann Mathieu told ESPN that after his arrest in October for pot possession, he finally got honest with himself and gave up the habit. He added that after head coach Les Miles told him in August that he wouldn’t be able to play football for the Tigers because of failed drug tests, that he was so busted up that he had school officials contact his family with the news.

The DUD’s Take

After being kicked off of the football team in August, Mathieu was busted again in October. It’s now the beginning of January. We’ll see how he’s doing in March…

Live News Report Gets All Fucked Up, Probably Because It Involved Vikings Fans

I’m not sure which Minnesota television station this came from, or maybe it was from some local access show inside a nursing home, but this is well worth the next 45 seconds of your life:

The DUD’s Take

For starters, it looks like mixologist Johnny Michaels has made his fair share of bad decisions in his life, hey? I mean, is the state of Minnesota paying the establishment to employ this guy? What happens when an old woman gets hit by a car around Johnny Michaels? Does he just yuck it up with his “Whoa, man” stoner face and not rush to see if she needs medical attention? “Hey guys, check it out. This old lady just got run over. Hahahahaha. Let’s go get a pint.”

And what’s with the Randy Moss jersey? The Vikings are miraculously in the playoffs, and you’re going on television with your “on sale for $19.99 after he was traded to Oakland” Randy Moss jersey/cum rag? Hopefully he’s only cracking open your can of Pabst and not the one making your club sandwich in back because it looks like washing his hands is something that he treats as optional. Seriously, as soon as I’m done with this post, I’m looking up Johnny Michaels on watchdog.com. He just looks like a guy that you hold your kids and say, “Just say hi to Uncle Johnny today, kids. No hugs.”

The video pretty much summed up the Vikings’ day yesterday, though…

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