Milton Fucking Bradley

Milton Bradley

by Tommy Gimler

We have our intern Rakesh on it, but we’re pretty sure we called this years ago. Milton Bradley was finally charged for beating the shit out of his wife. Sucks to be her, but if you have Milton Bradley in your FAGA (Former Athletes Getting Arrested) fantasy league, when he hit his wife, you hit the fucking jackpot, baby. 

So, here’s how you score this puppy:

Your former athlete, in this case Milton Bradley, got arrested or charged with a crime: 1 point

He’s a minority: minus 1 point

His name is Milton Bradley. No joke: 3 points

Damn. It was just a misdemeanor: minus 1 point

But there 13 different misdemeanor counts: 3 points

Including 2 counts of assault with deadly weapon: 3 points

But he had a prior record (attacked wife in 2011 with a bat, threatened her with a knife last year): minus 1 point

“Thug-O-Meter” (how gangster was the crime) – hitting a woman: minus 5 points

Weapon(s) used – hands, choke, bat, knife, verbal threats: 2 points for variety

However, he didn’t turn himself in; still free pending arraignment: minus 3 points

Shock value – not good as this has been in the making since the 1980′s: minus 3 points

However, based on the latter part of his career, it’s amazing that he was able to hit something: 3 points

Part of the testimony against him features the phrase You’ll be dead bitch before you divorce me: 3 points

Total Points For Milton Bradley Getting Charged With 13 Misdemeanor Counts, Including Assault With A Deadly Weapon, Vandalism, And Dissuading A Witness From Making A Report: 4 points

The DUD Analysis

The most shocking part of this story is that it has taken this long for Milton Bradley to face serious jail time. He’s a fucking turd. His poor wife just had one simple request: please don’t smoke pot in front of the kids. That’s a fairly reasonable request. This isn’t, “Hey, I don’t want you stop toking, period.” Just please refrain from doing it in front of our children. Or even maybe just do it in an edible form if you want to do it while watching Cops with them. If you’re in a FAGA keeper league, then it should be priority number one to keep this guy on your roster. This won’t be last we hear from him. A guy like Milton Bradley will get busted for another crime while in prison…

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