by Tommy Gimler
If you thought Chris Berman was a fat, annoying sloth before Sunday’s games played out, you might want to do yourself a favor and activate your television’s parental controls feature on anything ESPN-related for the next two weeks. In what is probably the most pathetic two weeks of the year in regards to sports media coverage, here’s a short list the things you will needlessly hear too much of and also sadly not enough of in the days leading up to the Super Bowl.
Too Much: The Super Bowl being called everything but the Super Bowl.
Even though it’s been less than 24 hours since both the 49ers and Ravens clinched spots in the Super Bowl, it’s already been referred to as the Super Bro-wl, Brother Bowl, Super Baugh, Harbaugh Bowl, HarBowl, and Bowl of Brotherly Love. Really? The Bowl of Brotherly Love? The game is being played in New Orleans not Philadelphia, so that makes about as much sense as giving Mark Sanchez a three-year contract extension. Well, unless the Harbaughs meet at midfield before the game and ass-fuck each other in front of hundreds of millions of viewers, and that would just be terrible.
Not Enough: Cam Cameron should never be allowed to coach in the NFL again. Ever.
Since taking over the offensive coordinator position in Week 16, Jim Caldwell has propelled the Ravens offense to an astounding average of 28 points per game and 4-1 record, and that includes a 17-point losing effort in the final game of the regular season where Joe Flacco threw eight passes and Ray Rice carried the ball three times. While that’s just five points better than Cameron’s average this season, the increase in yardage is about as eye-popping as naked pics of Megan Fox. Under Cameron the Ravens offense ranked 18th with 344 yards per game. But under Caldwell, the Ravens have averaged over 400 yards per game. That would have been good for 4th in the league during the regular season. Cameron’s only head coaching stint was a 1-15 effort, and a review of his work as an offensive coordinator since 2002 reveals three or maybe four years of noteworthy accomplishments.
Too Much: Ray Lewis is one of the best linebackers of all-time, and he’s retiring, so this is his last game.
There is no denying that Ray Lewis has been the face of the Ravens franchise for since its inception and a stud on the defensive side of the ball. But we’ve known now for almost three weeks now that he is retiring at the end of the season, so is there any more of a story here? We get it. He’s played 17 years, he’s old, his body and his lord are telling him it’s time, and he thanks the Lord Savior Jesus Christ in every pregame, postgame, in-game, and midweek interview he has done since. That’s it. Unless he reveals that he is actually white, there is no reason to cover this story line any further.
Not Enough: Ray Lewis was charged with first degree murder in 2000.
This story has been covered so little by the media that my brother-in-law had no idea that Ray Lewis ever went to trial for anything much less first degree murder, and he watches and quotes ESPN more than anybody I know. The trial can be described as flawed at best, with The Baltimore Sun, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, and others having outstanding articles that cover topics like a witness providing clothes that Lewis wore that night that don’t match any other witness descriptions, blood from one of the victims being found in the limo Ray Lewis was in, belief that Lewis paid for all defense attorneys involved, even the ones who represented the guys he testified against, and the fact that nobody was ever found guilty for murdering two guys. Click here for access to all of those links. In the end, Lewis pleaded guilty to obstruction of justice for which he received one year of probation. So, I guess if my friends and I were involved in the murder of two people, and none of us were found guilty for the murder, and I went on to have a Hall of Fame career in the NFL, yeah, I’d be thanking and constantly referencing Jesus Christ every time I open my mouth because that is a fucking miracle.
Too much: Colin Kaepernick can not only pass the ball, but he’s a terrific rusher as well.
Have you heard yet that the 181 rushing yards Colin Kaepernick put up against the Packers two Sundays ago was not only the most rushing yards ever by a quarterback in the postseason but also the regular season? If not, welcome back from your coma. How many times are we going to see Ron Jaworski and his chins break down Kaepernick’s rushing ability over the next two weeks? Even my mom called me after the Packers game and remarked at how well that black guy for the 49ers not only ran the ball but also passed it. We get it. He’s a dual threat.
Not enough: Jim Harbaugh once made an appearance on Saved By The Bell, and it was fucking brutal.
We touched on this last month in one of our mailbags, but in case you missed it, here is something terrible:
We couldn’t believe that somebody didn’t find this earlier, but then we noticed that it was Saved By The Bell: The New Class, and we understood how something like this was buried for such a long period of time. Even worse than Harbaugh’s performance is the fact that The New Class actually ran for four seasons. Our favorite part is when Harbaugh walks through the door at about the 11-second mark and looks like a confused asshole for about six seconds. But after playing quarterback for the Chicago Bears for a few years, I’m sure that scene probably only took one take. No word yet as to whether or not Screech showed up to bail out his hero cousin nine years later when he was the head coach for the University of San Diego and arrested for DUI…