by Tommy Gimler

Like suggesting that Taylor Swift actually possesses talent, the most interesting rumors often wind up having no merit. But when a friend of mine suggested that current 49ers stud quarterback Colin Kaepernick was actually the bastard son of Hall of Fame wide receiver James Lofton, it was just too juicy of a story to turn my back on.

The Rumor

On December 18th, 1986, James Lofton was at a Green Bay singles bar called The Top Shelf even though he was married and a father. He and a woman not named Beverly Lofton (his wife) made their way to an elevator, but that’s when the woman insisted Lofton instead forced her into a stairwell and made her perform what was known in the 1980′s as a “sex act.”

The result of that interaction was Colin, who was born the following year in Milwaukee, adopted by the Kaepernicks, and raised for several years in New London, WI until the family moved west to California for the remainder of his childhood.

People who insist this is true cite how closely Kaepernick resembles a young James Lofton:

The DUD Breakdown

1) Let’s start with the pictures, shall we? They’re both professional football players with a dark skin tone. So, by that rationale, I guess we should we also assume then that Ice Cube is the father of Earl Sweatshirt. I mean, after all, both are black rappers from Los Angeles.

2) Kaepernick was born on November 3, 1987. That was roughly 10 1/2 months after the alleged sex act between Lofton and his accuser.

3) Kaepernick was born in Milwaukee. Lofton’s accuser and Kaepernick’s supposed mother was from Michigan. Lofton and his wife did have a house in Milwaukee, but before you open your fat piehole and let out an “ah-hah,” let’s dive even further into this.

4) Lofton himself admitted that his accuser gave him a beej in the stairwell, but no actual plowing, essential for conceiving a child on this planet unless you are in a fertility clinic or a Christian. Even the Brown County prosecutor was seeking a conviction on second degree sexual assault charges, not first degree. By Wisconsin law, if a pregnancy would have resulted from the assault, Lofton would have gone to trial for first degree sexual assault.

5) Just a quick side note to the trial, Lofton was found not guilty by a jury of Packers fans from Rock County.

6) Kaepernick’s birth mother is Heidi Russo, and she lived in Milwaukee at the time of her unplanned pregnancy and eventual birth of her son. She was 18 when she was knocked up and 19 at the time of her delivery. Here is a Yahoo! article about her from last month: http://sports.yahoo.com/news/nfl–birth-mother-still-trying-to-connect-with-new-49ers-starting-qb-colin-kaepernick-052911423.html

The DUD Conclusion

Colin Kaepernick is not the end result of James Lofton sexually assaulting a woman in a Green Bay stairwell. Well, unless a Milwaukee woman named Heidi Russo was the Iron Mountain woman who gave Lofton the beej after a night of underage drinking in a Green Bay singles bar and her fallopian tubes are connected to her throat and because of that abnormality, a child was conceived and was in her womb for 10 1/2 months. And if you believe that, as soon as you’re finished with your book about Elvis killing JFK, leave a comment below…