I Am Hotter Than Two Girls Petting Heavy in Billiards Club, Bro
by Rakesh The Intern
Check it out, bro. I hit on 70% of my American football picks last week, and you didn’t even have to pay me to get those picks, boss. Why give AccuScore your money for wrong picks when you can save your rupees and get correct picks for free from Rakesh, bro? I got to be honest though, bro. The guy’s personal hygiene next to me on this plane is throwing me off a little bit, my friend. It smell like my family reunion in this bitch or whatever you call it in this country, bro.
Anyway, my friend. Here is what I am thinking for this weekend, bro:
Baltimore Ravens (+10) at Denver Broncos and UNDER 46.5
Listen, bro. We cannot sit back with cigar and collect by taking all favorites and unders this week, my friend. But both teams’ defenses in this are playing with purpose right now, bro. Denver defense has given up average of less than 13 point per game over their last six games, my friend. Granted, boss, two of those games we against Chiefs, and that’s like me telling you I beat my cousin Gokul at golf. Dude has baby left arm, bro. Sad shit, bro. And since loss to Broncos, Baltimore defense has given up average 15.3 points per game. I think Denver win this game at home, bro. Only home loss was way back in September to a Houston team that was not shit from pig like they are now, my friend. But Peyton Manning is 0-3 in playoff games when temperature is under 40 degrees. He has like one touchdown and seven interception in those games, bro, and it’s supposed to be 20 degrees around kickoff. But all three of those games were on road, my friend. I think Manning plays just well enough to win at home, but Ravens make it close because Manning is old man playing in cold, bro…
Green Bay Packers (+3) at San Francisco 49ers and OVER 45.0 Points
Check it out, bro. The Green Bay Packers defense is a different unit with Charles Woodson out there, my friend. Kind of like my Aunt Tanvi now that her ex-husband Uncle Omkar is behind bars. Now she walk in public without bruises, bro. Look, bro. If Adrian Peterson couldn’t run for 100 yards against them last week, you think that old man Frank Gore is going to? Come on, buddy. Get serious, bro. Aaron Rodgers has won last three road playoff games, and he now goes into stadium of team that didn’t want him eight or nine year ago, my friend. Meanwhile, Justin Smith might not play up the middle for 49ers because of torn tricep that came off of his arm bone, bro. That’s sounds almost as painful as when my cousin Manish fell off of an elephant in Howrah and broke his neck. Could mean big things for Packers run game, boss. Everything lining up for Packers right now, bro…
Seattle Seahawks at Atlanta Falcons (-2.5) and OVER 46.0 Points
Listen, bro. I love the Seahawks this year. Quarterback Russell Wilson looks just like my cousin Baldev, and he has played spectacular, like big fake American breasts spectacular, bro. But he and the Seahawks have lost all three games they have played on the road indoors, and he has thrown five interceptions in those games, boss. While their cornerbacks will provide tough matchup for the Falcons receivers, losing their best pass rusher in Chris Clemons will allow them more time to get separation, bro. Plus, nobody is talking about Falcons right now, bro. Nobody, my friend. Last two years, that’s all you hear about is how Matty Ice is going to lead the Falcons to Super Bowl, and then they go out and give us dick sandwich, bro. But this year, everybody is saying that about Seahawks, and I’ll be sitting with my Swisher Sweet and Keystone Light waiting to say I told you so, bro…
Houston Texans (+9.5) at New England Patriots and OVER 47.5 Points
Listen, bro. This fucking guy next to me stinks so bad, bro. It is worse than my ex-girlfriend Ishika’s poon, bro. She would like run two miles and then not shower because she thought it was waste of water since she was going to do it again in morning. And then she wonder why I never eat box on her, bro. It’s suicide going down on chick like that, bro. Anyway, I would have thought Patriots would win by like thirty points in this one, bro, until the Boston Globe posted this, my friend:
The 2012-13 New England Patriots just became the first team in NFL history to get back-to-back byes before advancing to the conference championship game. Could this get any easier? I mean, seriously? The planets are aligned and the tomato cans are in place. The fraudulent Houston Texans are the only team standing between the New England Patriots and a trip to the AFC Championship game. All the Patriots have to do is beat the terrible Texans. One week from today. At Gillette Stadium. Pass Go and collect $200. The Patriots are in the AFC title game.
I’ll tell you what, bro. I think that fires up Texans, and they make it close. But again, this guy next to me stinks like a turd wrapped in garlic, bro, so I might be off this week. Good luck, my friend…
Last Week: 7-3
This Season: 44-28-1