Betting On The Big Game? Rakesh Is Here To Help, Bro

Published by rakesh on January 7th, 2013

by Rakesh The Intern

Check it out, bro. It’s the BCS Championship Game, and it doesn’t get any bigger than tonight, my friend. It’s like the equivalent to battling for The Elephant Cup in the Howrah Cricket League back in my home country of India. Except members of the winning team back home win an average of six rupees and free tank of gas for their moped, boss. Regardless of the outcome in tonight’s game, each school will take home enough money to feed the entire population of Howrah for the next twenty years, bro.

Speaking of money, bro, check out this email I get when I get to office this morning:

Rakesh! I took the over in every game this weekend, and only the Ole Miss game hit. Help me get my house back!

Eric – Detroit, MI

Well bro, for starter, you shouldn’t be gambling on football if you are unemployed. Second, my friend, if you really did lose your Detroit house this weekend, here is how you can win the $2,000 it will take to buy it back, bro:

The last 5 BCS Championship Game favorites have all won AND covered, bro.

But check it out, bro. The five games before those, all of the favorites lost. Since birth of BCS Championship Game, favorites are 8-6 both straight up and against the spread, boss. Alabama is favored by 10 points on most illegal gambling sites, bro…

Advantage: Alabama

Alabama -10 is the third largest spread in BCS Championship Game history, my friend.

But check it out, bro. Miami was favored by 11.5 over Ohio State in 2003 and lost the game, buddy. Florida State was favored by 11 over Oklahoma and lost that game, bro. Like my Uncle Omkar used to tell me before he was sent to prison for wife hitting, spreads are like vagina. The smaller the better, bro…

Advantage: Notre Dame

SEC teams have won like the last six championship games, bro.

And check it out, bro. The only time SEC school has lost this game was last year when LSU lose to Alabama, my friend. But it helps when SEC team is in game every year, bro. I mean, you put me in badminton match every year with lesser opponent like my cousin Gokul with lazy eye and baby left hand, and I’ll win six in a row too, bro…

Advantage: Alabama

Teams playing in the BCS Championship Game for the first time are 10-4, bro.

Check it out, bro. This is Notre Dame’s first crack at national championship, buddy. And three of those four losses came in games where both teams were playing in national championship for first time and somebody had to be loser, bro. It makes sense, my friend. First timers have that extra “want” like when my Grandpa Sahir visit prostitute for first time in Amsterdam back in 1965. He was only one in group of medical student who had never paid for a penis lick or whatever you call it in this country. And he was only one who left brothel without money, bro…

Advantage: Notre Dame

In the last eight BCS Championship Games, the team with the WORSE offense during the regular season has won the game five times, bro.

Check it out, bro. In term of yards per game, Alabama was ranked 39th. Notre Dame was ranked 49th. I am Indian and obviously outstanding at math, bro, but even Eric and his Detroit public school education (if he even graduated, bro) can tell you that Notre Dame had worse offense, buddy…

Advantage: Notre Dame

In the last eight BCS Championship Games, the team with the BETTER defense during the regular season has won the game six times, bro.

Check it out, bro. In term of yards per game, Alabama was ranked #1. Notre Dame was ranked #6, buddy.

Advantage: Alabama

No team has ever won the BCS Championship Game two years in a row, bro.

Check it out, bro. Three teams have had chance to win back-to-back BCS titles, but just like my cousin Babu, who tried to be a musician even though he was born without hands, bro, those teams have failed. Poor Babu. He thought people would pay to watch him play harp with his feet. Sad shit, bro. The last team to win two AP championships in a row was USC in 2003 and 2004, but they pay for it in more ways than one, if you know what I talk about, my friend…

Advantage: Notre Dame

Rakesh says…

Listen, bro. Tough to bet against Nick Saban when he’s playing for the national championship, bro. He’s been here three times, and every time, he walk away with trophy or crystal ball or whatever you call it in this country, my friend. But Notre Dame is getting big point, like elephant that crushed my cousin Shubham at Howrah Zoo big. Given fact that Notre Dame is first time in the big game, and no double-digit favorite has ever covered in this game, I will take Alabama to win game, but Notre Dame to cover, bro. Load and lock up on Notre Dame +10, my friend…

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