Baltimore vs. San Francisco: A Closer, More Disgusting Look


by Tommy Gimler

Could there be two more disparate cities battling for the Lombardi Trophy than San Francisco and Baltimore? On one hand, you have an East Coast harbor town comprised of blue collar fishermen, most of whom have been infected at some point in their lives with syphilis. On the other hand, you have a West Coast metropolis made up of mostly homeless, gays, Asians, and gay homeless Asians.

Here are some other interesting facts in The DUD’s version of A Tale of Two Cities. And let’s just say no matter which city brings home the Super Bowl XLVII trophy, if you get a chance to hold it, you’ll want to make sure you’re wearing gloves.

You’re more likely to get the HIV virus in Baltimore than in San Francisco.

According to the US Census, there is a higher HIV rate per every 100,000 people in Baltimore. Every 22.8 people per 100,000 have the virus while San Francisco comes in a few spots lower at 18.3 per 100,000. Maybe staying in and ordering that 24-hour jack off package from the Hyatt’s Spanktrovision isn’t such a bad idea after all when you’re visiting these joints. Tucked in between both of these cities on the list is Jackson, MS, which only furthers the notion that there is absolutely no fucking reason to go to Mississippi. Ever…

You’re more likely to get shanked in Baltimore than in San Francisco.

According to Forbes, Baltimore is the seventh most violent city in the nation with 1,417 violent crime incidents per 100,000 people. Plagued by drugs, poverty, and syphilis, Baltimore ranks in the top 15 in every violent crime category except forcible rape, and that’s probably because (as we just talked about) the HIV virus is beginning to take out some of the Baltimore rape crew. And is there any rape that isn’t forcible? I’ve never heard of a woman tell a story about walking out of a Kmart and peacefully getting raped just before she got into her Rav4. And while San Francisco didn’t make the cut for America’s most violent cities, the Lombardi Trophy could still get ganked or tagged if it makes it’s way to Oakland…

You and your family are more likely to be obese in Baltimore than in San Francisco.

According to Men’s Fitness, Baltimore is the eighth fattest city in America, and that would explain the recent shortage of crabs (edible ones) in the area. Meanwhile, San Francisco is the second fittest city in the nation behind only Portland, OR. 44.8% of San Francisco residents have a healthy body weight, although if you take in to account the large population of chain-smoking Asians in the metropolitan area, that number itself might be a little on the heavy side…

You’re more likely to overdose on heroin in Baltimore than in San Francisco.

According to Forbes, there were 184 heroin overdose deaths in Baltimore in 2006, and ABC News says that 1 out of every 10 residents is addicted to the brown sugar. But residents of San Francisco shouldn’t start sucking each other’s dicks just yet. According to USA Today, there were more regular drug users in 2007 in San Francisco than in any other city in the country. However, if you take into account how many of those residents are just eating pot brownies, that number seems a lot less severe…

You’re more likely to be st-st-st-stupid in Baltimore than in San Francisco.

According to a Central Connecticut State University study, San Francisco is the 9th most literate city in the United States. But it’s not like five out six Baltimore residents can’t fucking read or anything like that. Baltimore came in a respectable 18th on the list, 31 spots higher than Detroit, and in the end that’s really all that matters here. Just finish higher than Detroit…

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11 Responses to Baltimore vs. San Francisco: A Closer, More Disgusting Look

  1. Come to think of it, there are a lot of shit cities in the NFL, aren’t there?

    Detroit, Cincinnati, Cleveland, Jacksonville, Indianapolis, Philadelphia, Tampa/St.Pete, Buffalo, St.Louis, New Jersey (twice), Pittsburgh (gotta be fair).

    • tgim says:

      Jesus. You said it, man. There should be a debate about who takes the cake as the most vile NFL city: Jacksonville, Detroit, or Buffalo?

  2. Also, “East Coast harbor town comprised of blue collar fishermen, most of whom have been infected at some point in their lives with syphilis” is easily debated. I can almost guarantee you that there are close to 0 “hard working blue collar fishermen” who live in the city of Baltimore. Drive around, I’m sure you won’t see the Morton’s Fisherman begging for chum money…

  3. Vinny The Book says:

    The last line in the first paragraph brought me to tears.

  4. Gerald Dugger says:

    Baltimore was the first metro area to introduce me to a white ghetto! A white ghetto? I never knew such a place existed. Let me tell you I was scared when I saw the desparation in the faces of those pasty white mongrels. Perspective set in though when I made a wrong turn into the real ghetto, the one you see in “The Wire”. I learned that day that the power of prayer often works as I made it out of that God forsaken town with my life. I find the view of Baltimore in my rear view mirror to be a beautiful sight. This dirty little town is a pefect candidate for a dirty bomb!

  5. Jtmacrizzle says:

    “Pasty White Mongrels” – brilliant

  6. James says:

    Buffalo isn’t a shithole

  7. Pigford says:

    I live the same distance from Baltimore & DC & while the east side of D.C. is a shithole there are some very nice parts of D.C. ….Baltimore on the other hand has the Harbor & Fells Point & that’s pretty much it…I’ll tell you one more thing,if you’re white you’d better make sure you know exactly where you’re going in Baltimore because one wrong turn could turn out to be the biggest mistake you’ve ever made…on a positive note Baltimore has waaay better heroin than D.C. ….it’s not even close

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