by Tommy Gimler
Remember when your mom used to yell at you for wearing Big Johnson shirts, and you would reply, “But mom, Brian Portz wears them.” Then she would retaliate with the ultimate argument killer, “If Brian Portz jumped off of a bridge, would you do that, too?” To which you would just bow your head and quietly mutter, “No mom.” I mean, eventually you would get even by intentionally pissing all over the toilet seat, but that isn’t the point. The point here is that I don’t think Dallas Cowboys nose tackle Jay Ratliff ever had that talk with his mom.
Less than six weeks after his teammate and fellow nose tackle Josh Brent killed teammate Jerry Brown, was arrested for DWI, and eventually charged with manslaughter, Ratliff did the unthinkable over yesterday morning and crashed his Ford pickup into an 18-wheeler, not because he drives like an Asian woman, but because he was fucking hammered. Even more surreal is that Ratliff wrecked his fine, American-made truck on the same road where Brent killed his teammate.
Still even more amazing than that is how another Dallas Cowboys player refused to use a car service that owner/GM/turd Jerry Jones initiated to prevent situations like this. After Brent flipped his ride and killed his teammate almost six weeks ago, Jones told the media, “We have two limo services on stand-by and a full-time staff person on call 24 hours/seven days a week to pick up players. That person has been called seven times this year.”
While it might cost Ratliff a few thousand dollars in terms of fines and lawyer fees, because he’s a professional athlete, the incident should be just a minor hiccup, and he’ll be back on playing field ready to earn his $5 million next summer. And because he plays for the Cowboys, it will probably still be for them.
But who gives a shit about his well-being? The only thing that matters here is that you have Jay Ratliff in your CAGA (Current Athletes Getting Arrested) Fantasy League, and it’s time to find out how many points Ratliff’s buffoonery has netted for your team.
Here’s how you score this puppy:
Your athlete, in this case Jay Ratliff, got arrested: 1 point
He’s a minority: minus 1 point
He plays for the Dallas Cowboys, Cincinnati Bengals, or Detroit Lions: minus 1 point
The Tim Tebow Award for no prior rap sheet: 3 points
“Thug-O-Meter” (how gangster was the crime) – DWI: minus 1 point
Weapon(s) used – 2012 Ford pickup, brewskies, Henney: 1 point for variety
Smartest move: refused a breathalyzer: 1 point
Dumbest move: got a DWI and wrecked his ride on the same highway where Josh Brent killed their teammate less than six weeks earlier: minus 3 points
But during the NFL season, Ratliff got in the face of Jerry Jones, and a “volcanic confrontation” ensued. Anytime somebody stands up to the turd known as Jerry Jones, it’s like a “Get Out of Jail Free” card: 2 points
Total Points For Jay Ratliff getting arrested for DWI yesterday: 2 points
The DUD Analysis
Do you know what I would do if I had a free car service to use every time I went out to throw back a few bottles of Grolsch? I would use it every time. For starters, nothing makes a random woman hornier than a guy with money. Nothing. So, when it’s time to leave Barney’s Beanery, and you offer her a ride in your limo, she’s either going to invite you in to her parents’ house or she’s going to give you the ol’ slap and tickle right there in the car…