by Tommy Gimler
If you’re finding it difficult to follow along with CBS’ coverage of the AFC Championship Game today, don’t even think about blaming the Evan Williams and Diet Rite in your left hand or the silo of Schlitz in your right. Of course the game isn’t in England. It’s in New England. You’re just questioning yourself because you heard Phil Simms say it was in the old country.
Do yourself a favor and hit the mute button, change your audio feed to SAP, or crank up some Rammstein instead of listening to this fucking tool. We have you covered with every moment of Phil Simms buffoonery throughout today’s game.
Simms: This wind is going to affect the throwers and catchers.
DUD Analysis: That’s funny. My grandma said the same thing. My brother-in-law and I were talking about how the quarterbacks would have trouble throwing the deep ball with such a strong wind, but I guess former NFL quarterbacks call these guys throwers nowadays. And I guess Buster Posey is going to have to call a different kind of game, given the weather, hey Phil?
Simms: The Patriots offense is going to make you think so much, and that’s the problem. They’re going to try and beat you physically, but they’re going to try and do it mentally, too.
DUD Analysis: Yeah, I’m going to have to go ahead and disagree with you on that. Nobody has ever talked about the Jedi mind tricks of Brandon Lloyd or the punishing up-the-middle runs of Danny Woodhead. They win because the offense doesn’t turn the ball over, they take what the defense gives them, and they have Tom Brady.
Simms: I talked to Aqib Talib and all he kept saying was “stay on top.” I said, “What does that mean, stay on top? Don’t get beat. That’s all it means.
DUD Analysis: “What does that mean, stay on top?” That’s a question I expect my six-year-old nephew or first-time hooker to ask, not a former Super Bowl-winning quarterback. No shit that’s all it means.
On 3rd and 2, Brady’s pass is tipped ten yards back, almost as far back as the line of scrimmage, and it should have been picked off by Baltimore’s Paul Kruger. Simms doesn’t see the play.
Simms: He is not afraid to get in there and compete against the r– Oh my gosh. I didn’t realize it went that far until I saw the replay.
DUD Analysis: You would have had to have been taking a leak or flipping back and forth between Skinemax On Demand to not see that the ball was deflected that far back and almost picked off. I believe Simms was doing neither of those, but you never know. I mean, would you have guessed Joe Theismann had a “going problem” when he was calling NFL games?
Simms: Hmm. I don’t know if I like it. No, let me…I don’t like it. First off, look where Hightower was lined up. Hightower has really improved his speed in the open field.
DUD Analysis: On first and goal from the 2, Flacco threw a ball that only Pitta could catch, and he did but just barely out of bounds. What’s wrong with that? Your tight end one-on-one with a linebacker? Why wait until 3rd down to throw the ball instead of trying it on first? Plus, what does Hightower’s open-field speed have to do with the defensive situation when the Ravens are on the 2-yard line? Hmm, I don’t know if I like Phil’s analysis here. No, let me…I don’t like it.
Simms: Yeah, because they didn’t switch it. I’ll tell you why they messed it up here if they show another replay of what happened.
DUD Analysis: Please don’t show another replay of the one-yard touchdown pass. I’ve seen it three times already, and it was a simple one-yard touchdown pass. Thank Christ. The CBS producers agree with me and go straight to commercial.
Simms: The crowd’s all upset. Yeah, I think the official stopped a 50-yard gain there. (pause) Of course, I was kidding.
DUD Analysis: Hahahahahahahaha. Fucking dynamite, Phil.
Simms: The Ravens got to be very happy. 13-7, the game is close.
DUD Analysis: Yeah, I’m sure the Ravens have gots to be so excited about trailing by six points in the the win-or-go-home AFC Championship game. I’m sure that was in John Harbaugh’s master plan all week, being down six points at halftime. What an idiot…
Simms: It’s a drive starter. The Patriots have like 30 of them today.
DUD Analysis: This comes on the first play of the Patriots’ seventh drive of the game.
Simms: Welker gets open. It had to be a mistake on the Ravens.
DUD Analysis: Are you sure, Phil? Is there ever a situation where the Ravens would say, “Let’s leave New England’s best receiver wide fucking open ten yards down the field on 3rd and 7?
Simms: What a set of eyes this Pierce has. That’s what you got to say.
DUD Analysis: No you don’t. You could say what speedy legs, great stiff arm, terrible contain by the Patriots. You don’t “got” to say he has a set of eyes.
Simms: He could have run for it. He was out in the open. I don’t think he realized that he had four yards to go. (pause as the replay shows Brady about to get smoked by a 300+ pound Ravens player). Well, maybe he couldn’t.
DUD Analysis: Every average football fan, even if they weren’t wearing their prescription lenses, could see that Brady was about to get killed. What’s even more embarrassing than Simms not being able to see this until the replay is that the superhero Tom Brady couldn’t outrun a 300+ pound defensive lineman.
Actually, a pretty solid 4th quarter from Phil Simms, and that was almost as surprising as the final score. But just like Ray Lewis, Simms’ season isn’t over yet. He still has one last chance to make an ass out of himself in front of hundreds of millions of people worldwide.
Early lines out of Vegas have Baltimore as a six-point dog to the Niners, and even though it hasn’t been released, I’ll take the under…