AccuScore Is AccuShitty


by Tommy Gimler

According to their website, AccuScore is a fee based sports betting system that is built on the same technology and sports predictions that are provided to the largest sports companies in the world. For $299 a year, you can have access to their hundreds and thousands of computer simulations and expert picks for football and other sports. The only catch is that they’re wrong. A lot.

Because I’ve wasted about sixty dollars on being an ESPN Insider over the next few years, I have the “privilege” of finding ESPN The Magazine rolled up in my mailbox every two weeks. Lately it’s been great because the flies are such a bitch in my condo, and it’s a pretty good sized collection of words that it catches a shit ton of flies in one swat.

But one edition of The Magazine was spared this fate and has been sitting next to my shitter for the last four months. In their early September edition, ESPN hired AccuScore to simulate and project the outcome of each one of the 256 regular season NFL games of the 2012 season. Unless you’re a fucking retard, the title should have told you how they did.

The DUD Breakdown

For starters, these dipshits had Green Bay finishing the regular season undefeated, a feat that has only been accomplished twice in the history of the NFL and only once to the tune of 16-0. Is that really the kind of advice you are willing to drop $299 on? Shit, I could have told you for free at the beginning of the season that Green Bay was going to finish 16-0, and when they finished 11-5, I would have been able to tell the world that I hit at an unbelievable 68.7% with my picks.

They did pretty much the same thing with New England. Look, even my grandma knew they were going to win the AFC East, and she’s been dead since 2005. But to tell your clients that they are going to finish 15-1 in the process is more ridiculous than the announcement that Justin Bieber is recording an acoustic album. New England finished 12-4, meaning AccuScore could tell potential clients that they were 13-3 in games involving the Patriots.

Overall, AccuScore finished the season 141-115 (55%) predicting winners of each game. While that looks pretty impressive on the surface, keep this in mind:

1) This isn’t against the spread, this is just straight up. It’s like me telling you that the Ravens are going to beat the Browns. Of course that’s going to happen. Except in this case, I told you for free.

2) Take out those Packers and Patriots games, and that record falls to 117-107 (52%).

3) Keep in mind that you paid $299 to get this advice. Is it worth digging yourself a $299 hole just to get information on who is going to win the game 55% of the time? Not cover, but just win the game? Let’s take Week 16 as an example. Here is the schedule. It’s not a stretch to say that most educated NFL fans could have easily predicted the winner of 10 of those 16 games at the worst on their own for a hit rate of 62.5%.

But most of us degenerates throwing away 10% of our paychecks each week could give two shits about who wins each game. It’s all about the cover, baby. And here’s where you’ll really want to drive to AccuScore headquarters, wait for those fucking dorks and their computers to walk out to lunch, and get your $299 worth with a few swings to the backs of their knees.

Against the spread, AccuScore was 115-141. That’s good for a success rate of 45%, which is about as impressive as this:

The DUD Conclusion

Why in the hell would anybody still be paying for sports betting advice? Between the stats available for free at sites like,, and each league’s respective sites and just using common sense, is there really a need to send a Patriots/Dolphins game through a computer simulator 1oo times? If you think so, then here is website just for you. Seriously, flip a quarter or have your fat girlfriend pick each game for you, and odds are you’ll be just as successful and $300 richer.

Here is how poorly AccuScore predicted the NFL season would play out as well as what really happened:

AFC East

AccuScore                                For Realz

New England 15-1                New England 12-4

Buffalo 11-5                            Miami 7-9

New York Jets 7-8-1            New York Jets 6-10

Miami 6-10                             Buffalo 6-10

AFC North

AccuScore                                For Realz

Baltimore 14-2                        Baltimore 10-6

Pittsburgh 12-4                       Cincinnati 10-6

Cincinnati 6-9-1                     Pittsburgh 8-8

Cleveland 1-15                         Cleveland 5-11

AFC South

AccuScore                                For Realz

Houston 9-6-1                        Houston 12-4

Tennessee 6-10                      Indianapolis 11-5

Indianapolis 4-12                  Tennessee 6-10

Jacksonville 1-15                   Jacksonville 2-14

AFC West

AccuScore                                For Realz

San Diego 13-3                       Denver 13-3

Denver 12-4                             San Diego 7-9

Kansas City 6-10                    Oakland 4-12

Oakland 4-12                          Kansas City 2-14

NFC East

AccuScore                                For Realz

Dallas 11-4-1                          Washington 10-6

Philadelphia 11-5                  New York Giants 9-7

New York Giants 9-7            Dallas 8-8

Washington 2-14                   Philadelphia 4-12

NFC North

AccuScore                                For Realz

Green Bay 16-0                       Green Bay 11-5

Chicago 11-5                           Minnesota 10-6

Detroit 11-5                              Chicago 10-6

Minnesota 3-13                      Detroit 4-12

NFC South

AccuScore                                For Realz

New Orleans 12-4                 Atlanta 13-3

Carolina 9-7                           Carolina 7-9

Atlanta 8-8                             New Orleans 7-9

Tampa Bay 2-14                     Tampa Bay 7-9

NFC West

AccuScore                                For Realz

San Francisco 12-4               San Francisco 11-4-1

Seattle 6-10                             Seattle 11-5

Arizona 4-12                           St. Louis 7-8-1

St. Louis 0-16                         Arizona 5-11

What do you think? Leave a comment or subscribing to the RSS feed to have future articles delivered to your feed reader.

One Response to AccuScore Is AccuShitty

  1. Greg says:

    funniest shit i’ve read all year

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Image Description