by Rakesh The Intern
Are you surprised you’re still alive today, bro? Can’t believe you fell for that Mayan calendar end of the world shit from pig, bro. See, in my country, we don’t trust civilization who couldn’t predict drought few years later or Spanish man wanting to trade had small pox much less what would happen 1,300 years later, bro.
Anyway, buddy. Crazy shit about that Olympic runner who now sell her body in Las Vegas, hey bro? Since I do this internship at The DUD for free, I can’t even afford five minutes with her, boss, and that’s too bad because back in Howrah, if you show proof of intercourse or whatever you call it in this country with Olympian, they automatically make you mayor, bro.
But if you have been trusting Rakesh with bet on American football this year, then you should have enough money for entire day with her, maybe a little massage with ending of happiness, and then enough left over to supply my family in Howrah with enough curry for entire year, boss.
Let’s keep on roll this weekend or whatever you call it, my friend. Here is what I am thinking for this weekend, bro:
Ball State at UCF (-7) and OVER 59.5 Points
Look, bro. This is Beef O’ Brady’s Bowl, which is irony because it is good establishment with good food, bro, yet they sponsor such a matchup of teams that are shit from pig.
This game is being played at Tropicana Field in St. Petersburg, so this is basically home game for Central Florida, bro. Disgusting part about this game, my friend, is that these are two teams that my boss Tommy Gimler refer to as “two teams that nobody gives a flying fuck about,” yet they will still probably put more people in seats than Tampa Bay Rays game, buddy.
Ball State has cover or tie in six straight games, so boys in Vegas will make sure that does not happen again. It’s just too easy to ride one team like that, almost as easy as my cousin Kirti. Huge slut, bro. She have like six kids already, my friend, and I think she’s just shy of 23rd birthday, bro. Both of these teams like to score point, bro, and game is indoors. Load and lock up on the over here as well, buddy…
East Carolina at UL-Lafayette (-5) and OVER 65.5 Points
Check it out, boss. The last time East Carolina score under 28 points was October 4th. I had not even started internship here yet, bro, and my Uncle Omkar had not yet been convicted of fixing cricket matches. UL-Lafayette has put up 35, 52, and 31 point in their last three games, all against teams that are shit from pig, and that is what East Carolina is, buddy. Plus, Lafayette put up 20 point against Florida, one of the best defenses in all of college football. I’ll take that team that goes into Florida and almost walks away with victory over team that loses by 28 and gives up 56 point to Navy. Hahaha. Navy, bro…
Washington at Boise State (-5.5) and UNDER 44.5 Points
Look, bro. Absolutely nothing out there to suggest that Washington should be in this game, my friend. Boise State runs ball very well, and Huskies can’t stop it. Boise State defense is the ninth best in all of football, and Washington was only able to put up 14 point against USC and 17 against Arizona defense. Weak shit, bro. If you’re looking for confidence level on this one, boss, like I say last week, let’s just say I’m as confident as I was when I took home model two weeks ago in Venice Beach, bro. Sure, she was hammered and thought I was her cab driver, but I plow her, bro…
Atlanta Falcons at Detroit Lions (+4.5)
I’ll tell you what, bro. The Detroit Lions lack discipline, much like a Wisconsin family at a dessert buffet, my friend. But this team of felons always seem to rise to occasion in prime time games that are nationally televised, bro. Supposedly, my Grandpa Sahir was same way when he was player in Howrah Cricket league in 1950′s, bro. The Lions haven’t covered the spread since November 4th, so they are overdue, just like my cousin Baldev, boss. He has not gotten head or sucking of penis or whatever you call it in this country since 2008. Now that is some real sad shit, bro. Atlanta is also different team on road, bro, and haven’t covered on road in last three tries, boss…
Tennessee Titans at Green Bay Packers (-12.5)
Jesus Christ of Nazareth, bro. Did you see how brutal the Titans look on Monday night against Jets, boss? It was almost as disgusting as my cousin Gokul’s baby left hand and lazy right eye back in Howrah. Sad shit, bro. The Packers are better than Jets in every phase of game, and will not turn ball over five times. Green Bay still has something to play for, bro. Tennessee hasn’t had anything to play for since 2009. Before that shit from pig game Monday night, Tennessee was 1-5 against the spread in their last six games. Easy money here, bro, unless bag of douche Mason Crosby misses six field goals…
Minnesota Vikings at Houston Texans (-7.5)
Check it out, bro. We lose last two weeks with bet against Vikings. No way it happen third time, my friend. Houston owns fifth best run defense, and they could have their mothers play pass defense, bro, and Christian Ponder would still throw for under 100 yards. This could be easiest bet of year, buddy. If Mayan god was standing in front of me with stick on fire right around my taint area, bro, and he say, “Pick one game to bet on, bro, and if you get it right, the world will not end,” then this is the game I choose, boss…
Last Week: 5-1
This Season: 28-17-1