by Tommy Gimler
There are two things that I know for certain in regards to Philadelphia Eagles football. First, just when you think that there is no way in hell that Andy Reid could be even more obese this week than last, he is. And second, Eagles fans are about as pessimistic and bitter as they come.
Tonight, I have the pleasure of sitting through one game of the Eagles’ worst season since 1999 with one of the most diehard Eagles fans that I know. His name is Vinny the Book, and even though the game hasn’t started, he has begun drinking heavily. I can’t think of anybody better to tell it how it really is. Here is exactly how he feels about this season and tonight’s action:
Vinny: Somebody tell Andy Reid that Movember is over. He looks like a fucking walrus, like the one from Alice in Wonderland.
Our buddy Jereme: I mean, really? Attached photo:
Vinny: Riley Cooper? Bryce Brown? It’s like we’ve done the season backward and we’re now in the preseason, resting all of our starters (on IR) and playing all of the young guys to see what they can contribute.
Bryce Brown scores a touchdown to give the Eagles a 7-0 lead, and Vinny doesn’t give me a thumbs up. It’s more of a side-to-side thumbing action. How bad has it gotten for Eagles fans? Here’s what he had to say about it:
Vinny: That’s not good. We need these guys to lose so we can get a top 5 pick. And we also have to make sure that Andy Reid gets fired. Bryce Brown is good though.
The DUD: I can’t believe you’re not happy.
Vinny: Why would I be? Lose them all.
Vinny: Jerry Jones looks like he had a stroke. Jeffrey Lurie looks about as pissed as me that the Eagles scored.
The Eagles defense is about to sack Tony Romo…
Vinny: Get him!
But Romo escapes and throws for a first down.
Vinny: Good. Real good. We just let Goldilocks throw for a first down.
Demeco Ryans gets hurt and is being toweled off on the sideline.
Vinny: (sarcastically) The Eagles have a guy whose job is to wipe your back.
The DUD: Nick Foles is going to be good. He has the tools. It just depends on the next offensive system he’s put in.
Vinny: Some of his throws in his first game were pretty fucking terrible. It was like he was aiming at my fish bowl over there and hitting my TV. That fish in there has been dead for about three weeks now, by the way. Hahaha. I just tell my son he’s sleeping.
The DUD: It’s 7-3 right now, Vinny. You have to be pumped that they’re winning this late in the game.
Vinny: Not really. I’m just worried about the ramifications of a possible victory.
Vinny: What is up with that military belt that Andy Reid is using to hold up his pants? Look at that! What the fuck is that?
Vinny: This Bryce Brown might be the real deal. What do we do now with LeSean McCoy?
NBC comes back from commercial and they show a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader and her huge fake jugs.
Vinny: God damn…
Jason Witten is open, and I mean Jennifer Love Hewitt’s legs when she’s on her back open, and the Cowboys have first and goal from the 1.
Vinny: That looked like every defensive effort from the last three weeks.
The Cowboys score a touchdown on the next play.
Vinny: Hmmm. Bryce Brown has 21 fantasy points already.
Vinny: Nick Foles to Jason Avant! Watch out, NFL…
Vinny: Alex Henery looks like a fucking child molester.
From Vinny’s friend and DUD enthusiast Schroeder:
Can you be considered a true die hard and rock a camouflage hat?! Is he wearing that god awful deer hunting eagles hat that nobody in the city of Philadelphia would be caught dead in?! Send that fucking hat to San Diego with Andy Reid and Howard “patches o’houlahan” Mudd!
The DUD: Who the fuck is that guy?
Vinny: Beats me. Just somebody’s grand-daddy.
Vinny: Four guys could have had him. Jesus. Ugh.
Riley Cooper catches a touchdown pass with one hand as we walk into Stevie Tomato’s Sports Page. It’s 10:28 on a Sunday Night.
Vinny: It’s fucking dead in here.
Dallas is challenging the Eagles’ 4th down stop. Women’s tennis is on the TV to the right.
Vinny: Check out that girl’s arms.
The DUD: That’s a dude.
The Cowboys tie it up at 24 all, and NBC cuts to a commercial for The Hobbit.
Vinny: I’d rather be watching that than this game right now.
Some CGI character pops up on the TV. I have no idea what it is, but it’s fat and gross.
Vinny: I think they just showed Andy Reid.
Vinny: Somebody just pissed all over the floor. There’s the urinal, and then there’s just a big puddle of piss around it.
Dez Bryant scores his 2nd touchdown.
Vinny: Great tackle. Great fucking tackle. Did you see that guy who just left that was sitting to my right? He was fucking crazy, dude. When that birds commercial came on, he was whistling at them.