by Tommy Gimler
Our mailbox is full once again, only this time it’s not stuffed with hate mail and death threats.
Q: Jim Harbaugh was on Saved By The Bell? Can you please write about this? Start this at the 15:10 mark, give or take…
Jeff in Los Angeles, CA
The DUD: We couldn’t believe that somebody didn’t find this earlier, but then we noticed that it was Saved By The Bell: The New Class, and we understood how something like this was buried for such a long period of time. Even worse than Harbaugh’s performance is the fact that The New Class actually ran for four seasons. Our favorite part is when Harbaugh walks through the door at about the 11-second mark and looks like a confused asshole for about six seconds. But after playing quarterback for the Chicago Bears for a few years, I’m sure that scene probably only took one take. No word yet as to whether or not Screech showed up to bail out his hero cousin nine years later when he was the head coach for the University of San Diego and arrested for DUI…
Q: Hey DUD! This sounds like something that happens to you retards on a regular basis. My car broke down and it took me an hour to get the tow truck guy to find me. Plus, I got like five phone calls from the tow truck driver, and I sternly kept saying, “13th street! 13th street! How can you not find it?!?!” When he finally showed up, he said, “Look at the sign, amigo.” Here is the sign:
Doug the Bears fan originally from Kenosha, WI but now in Los Angeles, CA
The DUD: Hahaha. There’s a typical Kenosha Tremper education in full effect!
Doug: You muthafucka! The guy and I laughed it off, and I gave him a huge tip.
The DUD: Well, that last part proves that you’re not from Racine.
Doug: Hahaha. Double zing. Wow.
The DUD: We’re on fire like Peshtigo right now…
Q: Hey DUD. Those fucks from ESPN won’t never say it so I’m hopping that you will. Am I right in saying that the only reason Mark Sanchez is still starting for the Jets is because he’s a fucking mexican?
Mike in Syracuse, NY
The DUD: Double check your email, Mike, and make sure that you weren’t trying to send this to Rush Limbaugh. What’s with the attitude? I’m assuming it’s just a brief perfect storm of you losing your job on the fryer at the Syracuse Suds Factory to a minority at the same time that your beloved New York Jets are tanking worse Cloud Atlas. Would it be good for the NFL if Mark Sanchez was actually good and could be marketed to a large Latino audience? Yes. Is that the reason he’s still starting? I would hope not, but with Rex Ryan in charge, you never know. Maybe it’s because he has the nicest feet of the three quarterbacks.
We think Mark Sanchez is still your starting quarterback because the second-worst GM in the league Mike Tannenbaum gave Sanchez a three-year, $40.475 million contract extension before the season started. If you start Tim Tebow now, and he wins games against Jacksonville, Tennessee, San Diego, and Buffalo (and that’s not out of the realm of very doable), then in the words of Shooter McGavin, “Well, you’re fired.”
The only shot Tannenbaum and Ryan have at saving their jobs is blaming this season’s failures on the injuries to Revis, Holmes, and others, and hoping that Woody Johnson and Jets fans are dumb enough to buy it. And judging by the way you spelled hoping with two p’s in your question, that actually might work…