These 5 NFC Teams Remind Us Of These 5 Broads

Jenna Fischer

special to The DUD from thetop5five

The Top 5 is bringing you 5 NFC teams and their female counterparts! The Daily Upper Decker will break down 5 AFC teams, probably with a ton of vulgarity, in part 2 of this segment later this afternoon.

Here are the 5 NFC teams and their female counterpart:

The Seattle Seahawks are Kristen Stewart.

You hate them so much, but they are actually good. No one wants to admit it, but both Stewart and the Seahawks are hot as hell right now. Kristen Stewart makes a TON of money for her movies because people seem to actually like her and the characters she plays. Sure, she can be annoying, just like Pete Carroll. And sure, maybe she uses drugs, but so does Richard Sherman. Maybe she doesn’t have much of a personality, but neither does the Seahawks team. But you know what? They both get it done in their professions. The Seahawks are on the inside track to the playoffs, and Kristen Stewart is the highest paid female actress according to Forbes. Oh yeah, and they both cheat!

The Atlanta Falcons are Jennifer Aniston.

They are sexy, but are they really that good? Part of us hopes they find happiness, but right when we think they have a shot, they get dumped in a public and humiliating way. At first they were dating Mike Vick. But we all know he killed dogs, went to jail, and now is playing for a different team, even though ‘playing’ is a loose term. And then they got Matt Ryan. Pretty boy who was going to lead them to the promised land. And so far, every time they get close, they seem to clam up and fail. But now, look how hot this team is! They have only lost 2 games! But are they really that good? Sure, Friends was an OK show for some people. But after that, is Jennifer Aniston really worth anything? I mean we love Jen, but is she ever going to find happiness? I have a feeling Jen and the Falcons both will just be humiliated again and again in the public spotlight. Perhaps what both the Falcons and Aniston need is a nice boy from the Midwest…

The Washington Redskins are Jenna Fischer.

They are good looking, maybe even sneaky hot, but they just aren’t ready for the big time. Sure, the Redskins have a ton going for them. Solid rookies. Everyone knows RG3, but it might just be Alfred Morris who has done the most for them. And they have a decent defense that can sometimes make plays that keep games close. But when it comes down to it, are you really taking Jenna Fischer over Charlize Theron, Olivia Wilde or other bombshells? Chances are, if the Redskins play the Giants again, not many people are taking the Redskins.

Jenna Fischer Picture

The Minnesota Vikings are Rihanna.

Does she have some talent? Sure. Is it all in one area? Yes. The Vikings are the same way. They have an award-winning running back but nothing else. And just like when music star Rihanna tried to cross over into acting (Battleship), she failed miserably. Whenever the Vikings get away from what they do best (run) by trying to cross over and do something else (pass) it usually hurts more than getting punched in the face by Chris Brown. The only real difference between the Vikes and Rihanna is that Rihanna can be really successful being one dimensional. Watch Rihanna “live and breathe in [her] mind…”

The Chicago Bears are Courtney Love.

Totally beat up from the feet up, both of these teams started with talent, over preformed, garnered praise, and then fell faster from grace than Scarlet taking a tumble:


Perhaps neither of these people had talent at all and used other people around them to appear to have talent (like the Rams, Cowboys, Jaguars, Panthers and Titans…or Kurt Cobain). Then we all anoint them as the next great thing until we realize that they are terrible. And then, to show us, they come out looking worse and worse. Basically, the Bears are turning into the dumpster fire of the NFL…and that is in a conference with the Cowboys and Lions!

Have any other comparisons? Leave them down in the comments!

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2 Responses to These 5 NFC Teams Remind Us Of These 5 Broads

  1. tgim says:

    I would say that the Lions are Lindsay Lohan in that they’re always in trouble with the law and just a fucking train wreck.

  2. Dave Dave Dave says:

    The Green Bay Packers are Roseanne Barr: Fat, cheesy, loud, and dumb!

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