These 5 AFC Teams Remind Us Of These 5 Broads

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by Tommy Gimler

Earlier today, The Top 5 compared five NFC teams to five broads, all of whom we have no shame in saying that we would love to plow. Even Courtney Love, just so we could say that we nailed a murderer. As promised, here’s our comparison of five more broads with five teams from the AFC:

The New York Jets are Jocelyn Wildenstein.

Looking at a picture Wildenstein usually triggers the same outburst you holler after every New York Jets offensive play, and that is, “What the fuck is that?” Wildenstein’s claim to fame is being so goddamn ugly, and the same can be said for the Jets. Unfortunately for Rex Ryan, I couldn’t find a picture of her feet…

The Cleveland Browns are this broad:

The Browns have looked like dog shit for the last 12 years, and we’re pretty sure it’s a safe bet to say the same thing about this creature. The Browns have brought in Mike Holmgren to help. They’ve brought in new ownership. They’ve drafted guys like Tim Couch, Courtney Brown, William Green, Braylon Edwards, Colt McCoy, Brady Quinn, and Kellen Winslow in hopes of turning the franchise around. Meanwhile, I don’t know who this broad is, but she could try everything like different hair colors, different hair styles, cutting back on sweets, a shit ton of makeup, and flashy clothing to take the attention off her bloated mug. But in the end, both she and the Browns remain two things you shouldn’t show your kids unless you’re punishing them for stealing your pot…

The Miami Dolphins are Khloe Kardashian.

How in the hell do the Dolphins have five wins this season? Did anybody watch Hard Knocks this year and see anything that resembled a team that was going to win a game? Their quarterback Ryan Tannehill has thrown only eight touchdowns, and the only number higher than his turnover total might be Khloe’s weight. GM Jeff Ireland cut their best wide receiver and traded their best cornerback before the season started, yet this team still has the chance of finishing with a .500 record. Their success is beyond baffling, and so is that fact that Khloe Kardashian is a celebrity…

The San Diego Chargers are Taylor Swift.

The mainstream media tells us every year that the San Diego Chargers are Super Bowl contenders when in fact they are nothing more than a group of underachievers who look like fairies in those powder blue jerseys. The media has also pretty much portrayed Taylor Swift as the second coming of Christ when in fact her music is nothing more than the equivalent of the noise my grandfather made last year trying to pass a kidney stone. Overrated, untalented, and vomit-inducing pretty much sums up the both of them. Swift’s music is so putrid that the school who won a free concert through an online contest ended up being the Horace Mann School For The Deaf. Now, if we can just find a way to get the Chargers to play their home games at the Stevie Wonder School For The Blind…

The Denver Broncos are Jenna Fischer.

The 2011 version of the Denver Broncos were difficult to watch, much like this year’s New York Jets, and it’s probably not a coincidence that Tim Tebow was a part of both of those teams. But by subtracting Jesus Christ and adding of one of the greatest quarterbacks to ever play the game in Peyton Manning, the 2012 Denver Broncos have become quite the sexy bitch. When The Office first aired, Fischer wasn’t anything special. She was just an average girl who was a tad hotter than the skank I picked up at Prince O’Whales the night before. But along come two sexy roles in Blades of Glory and Walk Hard, and now she’s the girl I use when the only TV stations my motel room picks up are of the basic cable variety. Well, ESPN’s Samantha Steele used to do it for me as well until she decided to get hitched to Christian Ponder. Nailing a total fucking loser is such a turn off…

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