The DUD’s Best of 2012 – Is Brittney Griner A Dude?


by Tommy Gimler

Our first investigative journalism piece back on March 25th focused on Brittney Griner, the center for the Baylor Bears’ women’s basketball team. A quick glance at her Adam’s apple along with a quick listening sesh of Griner talking about her dunks should be more than enough to reveal what we were investigating:

At first glance, the photo of Brittney Griner below is the same as every other picture of women’s basketball. The seats are empty. But does a closer look reveal the real reason behind the Baylor Bears center’s success in the women’s game? Man, does it ever!

Griner made history this week by dunking against two different opponents in the Women’s NCAA Tournament. The 6’8″ junior has had a monster season for the #1 ranked and undefeated Baylor Bears, averaging 23.4 points, 5.14 blocks, and 9.2 boards per game along with making 61.7% of her shots and compiling 16 double-doubles. She also has a monster Adam’s apple:

The “Hoosier Poet” James Whitcomb Riley said, “When I see a bird that walks like a duck and swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, I call that bird a duck.” Ronald Reagan, 40th President of the Unites States, paraphrased that by saying, “If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it must be a duck.” Terrell Owens, an idiot, meant to say that but instead came up with, “If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, by golly, it is a rat.”

Let’s just say the word duck really means dude for a moment. As only the second player to ever dunk in the Women’s NCAA Tournament, one could say that Griner walks like a duck. She also wears a men’s size 18 shoe, and we have already discussed how her Adam’s apple is bigger than Harrison Ford’s. But if just the sight of Griner doesn’t convince you that her first name might actually be pronounced Steven, I would like to enter the video below as Exhibit B. Go to the 45 second mark, close your eyes, and listen to Griner talk about “her” dunking ability.

I’m pretty sure that was a quack…

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