Thank Shiva For The Packers Game, Bro


by Rakesh The Intern

Check it out, bro. We were taking beating last week like the ones Uncle Omkar used to dish out to wife back in Howrah. Now he spend next few years behind bars, but not us, my friend. It’s like Christmas come early last Sunday night, which is ironic since it never come at all back in India or Toledo, for that matter, bro. Thanks to Packers/Lions game, we are still alive to make some serious coin or bling or whatever you call it in this country, my friend.

Here is what I am thinking for this weekend, bro:

Nevada vs. Arizona OVER 76.0 Points

Listen, bro. I do not get fascination in this country with these college football bowls, my friend. Dis one is called the Gildan New Mexico Bowl, bro. Gildan makes activewear, but have you been to New Mexico, bro? Fat shits everywhere, my friend. The only thing they are actively doing is eating in excess, bro. At same time, neither Nevada nor Arizona have defense capable of stopping each other’s offense, so if you’re looking for excess in scoring, bro, then this is your game. Each team average over 37 point per game, and they each give up over 30 per game, bro. That translates into over 100 points being scored in this one, my friend. Load and lock up, bro…

Toledo vs. Utah State (-10.5) and UNDER 58.5 Points

Check it out, bro. I went to Toledo, and if you are going to school there, then money is obviously issue for you, my friend. If you are asking student to scrape together cash to go to bowl game, the only way they are going to do that is if the game is somewhere warmer than Toledo, bro. I had never heard of this “Idaho” where the game is being played, but when I saw it on map, I laugh like this fat, jolly Santa Claus I see on TV. Nobody from Toledo is going to this game, bro. Not too far to travel for Utah State and their fans, either. Utah State is much better team on paper and on field, bro. Their defense only give up 15.4 point per game, bro. Every time Toledo face good defense, they struggle worse than fat kid on stairs, bro. And against team like Arizona, they only score 17. That’s weak shit, my friend…

Indianapolis Colts at Houston Texans (-8.5)

Look, bro. Houston looked worse Monday night than my fourth cousin Palash when he was trampled to death by group of runaway elephants back in Howrah. But they will bounce back big this week just like they did when they were curb stomped by Green Bay one week and then they beat down Baltimore by 30 the next week, bro. And other than Green Bay, bro, who has Indianapolis beat that isn’t Special Olympic team? Nobody, my friend. Statement game for Houston, bro…

Minnesota Vikings at St. Louis Rams (-2.5)

Check it out, bro. St. Louis defense has forced seven turnovers the last three games, and now Christian Ponder comes to town? Load and lock up, my friend. On the road this year, Ponder has thrown six interceptions and has QB rating of 71.6. That’s 14 points lower than at home, bro. Jeff Fisher is smart coach for Rams. He knows that only way to win is to stop Adrian Peterson. I’ll take him and the team that is 4-3 at home over Vikings and their 1-5 road record, bro…

New York Giants at Atlanta Falcons (-1.5)

Look, bro. You might be able to wait on this and get Atlanta at an even better number. Only thing silly American gamblers remember is how Giants beat down Packers and Saints worse than my cousin Gokul back in Howrah. Gokul has baby left arm, and his right eye is half shut, bro. Much like American school system, Gokul is not very accepted in Howrah schools, so he gets beating like three times a week. Sad shit, bro. But Giants have been shit from pig on road lately, and have trouble finishing drive with touchdown. Ahmad Bradshaw has another injury in knee, and he might not play, my friend. Meanwhile, Atlanta hasn’t lost at home all year, and they are coming off bad loss at Carolina. If you’re looking for my confidence level on this one, bro, let’s just say I’m as confident as I was when I took home model last week in Venice Beach, bro. Sure, she was hammered and thought I was her cab driver, but I plow her, bro…

Last Week: 2-4

This Season: 23-16-1

What do you think, bro? Leave a comment, my friend, or subscribe to the RSS feed to have future articles delivered to your feed reader.

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