by Tommy Gimler

Merry Christmas! If you had former Steelers/Dolphins/Cardinals linebacker Joey Porter in your FAGA (Former Athletes Getting Arrested) fantasy league, his arrest in California on Friday on a felony warrant for writing bad checks in Nevada couldn’t have come at a better time.

So, here’s how you score this puppy:

Your former athlete, in this case Joey Porter, got arrested: 1 point

He’s a minority: minus 1 point

Cha-ching! It was a felony: 3 points

But he had a prior record (battery charge when he fought Levi Brown, assaulted a cop, DUI): minus 1 point

“Thug-O-Meter” (how gangster was the crime) – writing bad checks: minus 3 points

Weapon used – pen: minus 2 points

However, he didn’t turn himself in; arrested in state other than the one where crime was committed: 3 points

Shock value – big points here as it’s shocking that Joey Porter is literate: 3 points

Behind bars on a major holiday: 1 point

Total Points For Joey Porter Getting Arrested On A Felony Warrant For Writing Bad Checks And Having To Spend His Christmas In Jail: 4 points

The DUD Analysis

Joey Porter is no Ryan Leaf. Nor is he a “where in the hell did that come from” case like Marvin Harrison or David Boston. Not a shit ton of points for Porter’s arrest, but with the year coming to a close, Ron Artest and Nyjer Morgan still active players, Charles Barkley on his best behavior, and Albert Belle nowhere to be found, those four points might just be enough to bring home that coveted “Golden Jumpsuit” or whatever award you hand out to your league’s champion…