Monday Night Football Is Almost As Gay As Kenny Chesney Tonight

Published by tgim on December 17th, 2012

by Tommy Gimler

The Tennessee Titans are 4-9, and their kicker Rob Bironas couldn’t find his helmet moments before his field goal attempt was blocked. The Jets are 6-7, and Tim Tebow is actually spending time in between the lines tonight. This isn’t football. This is dog shit. Who better than The DUD to dissect the second half:

3rd Quarter

Mark Sanchez is back at quarterback for the Jets. How bad is Tim Tebow? Sanchez’s first half stats: 5/10 for 27 yards, 0 TD, 1 INT. Oh, and speak of the devil, there’s another one. If you’re still watching this, you have to have money on this, and if that’s the case, here’s a number you should call: 1-800-522-4700…

Chew on this until something else noteworthy happens:

Here is a list of free agent kickers that Green Bay Packers fans should get familiar with…

1. Nate Kaeding
2. Ryan Longwell
3. John Kasay
4. Billy Cundiff
5. Neil Rackers
6. Justin Medlock
7. Dave Rayner
8. David Buehler
9. John Potter
10. Garrett Lindholm

Who do the Tennessee Titans think they are, the Raiders? How in the hell do they have nine  penalties against a team like the Jets at the 8-minute mark of the 3rd quarter? Oh, speak of the devil, there’s another one, in fact two penalties on the punt return. Since only one of them can be accepted, that makes 10 penalties for the Titans, and there is still 7:05 left in the third quarter. In case you’re wondering, the record for most penalties by one team in an NFL game is 22, and surprisingly the Raiders aren’t the culprit. Their white collar Bay Area counterparts (the 49ers, dipshit) as well as the Bears and Brooklyn Tigers all share the record…

With that first down from Joe McKnight, there are just as many penalties, turnovers, and sacks (21) as first downs (21), and that, my friends, is almost as pathetic as a Taylor Swift live performance…

Do you remember when Kennedy was assassinated? Do you remember where you were when Magic Johnson told the world he had acquired the HIV virus? Do you remember where you were when Mark Sanchez threw for his first touchdown since Thanksgiving? Puke…

What in the hell is going on out there? Suddenly there is more action in this game than in a West Allis whore house. Jake Locker, who is pretty fucking fast for a white kid, scores a touchdown on a designed run play, and the Titans regain the lead. If you were already smoking your victory cigar because you took the under in this one, it might be a bit too premature, kind of like you with that hooker last week. That’s why you only pay by the minute…

4th Quarter

Number 99 for the Titans limps off of the field with an injury. Is there anything funnier than a fat guy trying to run? Sorry, buddy. You’re not an athlete…

The Jets are just brutal. Their fourth quarter starts like this: 2-yard run, false start, qb sack, punt. If Braylon Edwards isn’t drinking on the sideline yet, he should be…

Jesus Christ, there’s another flag on the Titans. Is it just me, or is there a flag on like one out of every four punt/kick returns in the NFL? Sanchez is back to overthrowing receivers by five yards. Great news if you’re a Titans fan, but from the looks of it, most of them are at home watching Mike and Molly…

Sorry, kids. Mark Sanchez might be the third worst quarterback in the league. Jake Locker is Cloud Atlas terrible. Maybe at the NFL Draft Combine, they should have quarterbacks try to hit wide open receivers 20 yards down the field, because I’m pretty sure they’re not doing it now. Otherwise, Locker never would have been drafted…

Sorry, kids. Mark Sanchez really is the second worst quarterback in the league. He throws his third interception of the night, and you pretty much knew it was going to happen when he stepped up and decided to throw it more than seven yards…

And now we know why the Titans have won just four games this year. In fact, you have to be shocked that they have won that many. They now have 14 penalties to just 12 first downs, and they’ve thrown in nine punts for good measure. The only thing more disgusting than their play is the fact that ESPN will have Stuart Scott, Trent Dilfer, and Steve Young talk about this game for at least 30 minutes afterward…

No. Fucking. Way. Just when you think Mark Sanchez couldn’t be any worse than he was on the previous drive, he throws his fourth pick of the game, this one while falling backward to a receiver that had three defenders around him. If Mark Sanchez is a piece of runny dog shit, what does that make Tim Tebow…

Brett Kern’s 10th punt is one of the worst I have ever seen, and the Jets are in business at the Tennessee 25-yard line. But then, just because he’s Mark Sanchez, he fumbles a low snap for his fifth turnover of the night, and everyone breathes a sigh of relief that this one is over sans overtime…

And while we’ve got Mark Sanchez on the ground, let’s keep fucking kicking him. In case you forgot, Mark Sanchez nailed a 17-year-old girl last year, and even crazier, that is legal in the state of New York:

http://deadspin.com/5755011/the-somewhat-romantic-story-of-mark-sanchez-and-a-17+year+old-girl

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