I Make More Money Last Week Than Cousin Baldev Did During Entire Year In Sweatshop, Bro
by Rakesh The Intern
Check it out, bro. Got letter on computer from Brian Portz saying he did not like my picks last week, my friend. His loss, bro. After going 6-1 last week, my friend, I almost have enough money to break Uncle Omkar out of minimum security prison just outside of my hometown of Howrah. But den again, if he has not figured out walls are made of mud by now, what would be the point, bro?
Here is what I am thinking this weekend, bro:
Navy (-6.5) at Army
Listen, bro. I usually do not wager on United States military action when guns are not involved, but this one is like easier than my cousin Miti. Bro, she have like twelve kids, and she’s still two year shy of 30th birthday. Loves the sex, bro. Anyway, for America’s sake I hope that the Army’s defense systems over in Pakistan are better than defense on football field, my friend. Let me tell you, bro. When you are giving up 37 point per game, that is not good. It’s shit from pig, bro. Navy is 14-6 ATS against Army since 1992, and they haven’t lost them since 2001. That streak doesn’t end this year, bro.
Kansas City Chiefs at Cleveland Browns OVER 38 Points
Check it out, bro. Cleveland has been involved in six consecutive unders, my friend. The boys in Vegas don’t allow for such easy bet to happen seventh time, bro. Brandon Weeden threw for 364 yards against Raider last week, and Chiefs defense is almost just as pig shit awful as that, giving up almost 27 points a game, bro. Kansas City defense also ranks near bottom against the run, and Trent Richardson has touchdown in last two games. Look, bro. If he run for 85 yards and one touchdown against Steelers, imagine what he will do this Sunday against the Special Olympic Chiefs defense. My roommate also say that this is big “you fuck” or “fuck you” game or whatever you call it in this country for Brady Quinn, Peyton Hillis, and Romeo Crennel. Since he quit heroin for over a month now, I believe him, bro…
Chicago Bears (-3) at Minnesota Vikings
Are you kidding me, bro? I don’t care if the Vikings have Adrian Peterson at running back, wide receiver, and end tight, my friend. As long as Christian Ponder is throwing ball against Bears defense, Minnesota has no chance in this one, bro. Percy Harvin is not going to play game again this year, and they are different team without him. Jesus, bro. Just think about this one. This is the Chicago Bears. They are the Minnesota Vikings. Tell you what, bro. If Vikings cover this game, I will eat goat nut. Both of them, bro. And you have no idea how big of sin that is back in Howrah, my friend…
Philadelphia Eagles at Tampa Bay Buccaneers OVER 47.5 Points
Listen, bro. I tell you last week that the last time Tampa Bay score under 23 points was in September. The Eagle defense has given up 30 point or more in five of last six games. In the other game, they give up 28, bro. Now that Eagle has white boy Nick Foles at quarterback and Bryce Brown running like LAPD is chasing him, the Eagle can score, my friend. This over might hit before 4th quarter even start, bro. Plus, Tampa Bay head coach Greg Schiano is a lot like my Aunt Tanvi when we play friendly game of Carrom. She tries illegal shit very often, bro, like potting her Queen before her last piece. But she never gives up, bro. Neither does Schiano, and that’s why we win with the over last week, my friend…
Detroit Lions at Green Bay Packers (-6.5) and UNDER 49.5 Points
Check it out, bro. There is supposed to be like two to four inches of snow in this game, my friend. Back in Howrah, we would race elephants. In nice weather, elephant is fast as shit, bro. Just ask my cousin Manish. He was riding baby elephant, but it was so fast that he fell off and broke his neck. Now his mother Radha has to feed him meals through McDonald’s straw. Sad shit, bro. But when we would race elephants in mountains and snow, they slow down like fat guy on stairs, my friend. And bro, how big of a disappointment have the Detroit Lions been? They are a bigger mess than my cousin Shivani, bro. She never got over her old boyfriend Midhun leaving her for a guy, bro. Funny shit when you live 6,000 miles away, bro…
Last Week: 6-1
This Season: 21-12-1