ESPN Insider Says Matt Ryan Is NFL MVP

matt ryan sucks

by Tommy Gimler

Apparently ESPN Insider KC Joyner doesn’t give a baker’s fuck that I’m paying sixty bucks over the next three years to get “inside information” not available to the general public. If he did, he wouldn’t be posting stories selling Matt Ryan as the NFL’s MVP.

Here is why Joyner thinks “Matty Ice” should win this year’s MVP Award:

He certainly holds up in the standard passing categories, as Ryan ranks second in the league in completion percentage (68.5) and fifth in passing yards (4,202), yards per attempt (7.8) and touchdown passes (27).

As impressive as those totals are, an even more remarkable achievement is Ryan’s No. 1 rank in the pass EPA category of ESPN’s Total QBR metric.

Pass EPA gauges the number of clutch-weighted expected points a quarterback adds on plays with pass attempts, so a case can be made that no other QB has been as valuable on aerials as Ryan has been this year.

The DUD Breakdown

Most knowledgeable football fans will tell you that the MVP race has been narrowed down to three: Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, and Adrian Peterson. Yet this fucking clown Joyner is going with a guy who leads one category of a QB rating that his employer has made up. Does he lead any other category that is used my the rest of the mainstream media? No sir.

Picking apart Joyner’s argument is easier than the fourth girl that I plowed. Huge slut. For starters, Ryan trails Brady in passing yards. He’s trails Manning in yards per attempt. He also trails both Brady and Manning in touchdown passes and quarterback rating. Ryan has been sacked more times than Brady and Manning, and he’s thrown more picks than both of them as well. In fact, he’s thrown almost as many interceptions (14) as Brady and Manning have combined (16).

And we’re just getting started with the real stats. Now let’s check out the fake ones, like this Total QB Rating that ESPN has made up. In reality, it’s more like total dog shit. And in this world of dog shit, both Manning and Brady have a higher rating than Matt Ryan. But why does KC Joyner think that Ryan is the MVP? Because he leads one category of a stat that his employer has created. As LeBron James would say, not five, not six, not seven. But one: Total EPA. And he leads that one category by .2 points over Tom Brady.

And if EPA measures how clutch a quarterback is, let’s take a closer look at just how clutch “Matty Ice” has been this year. Forget the fact that he has yet to win a postseason game. We’re just looking at how “awesome” he’s been this year. You have to admit, he was pretty clutch defeating the last-place Carolina Panthers at home after trailing with under two minutes left in the game. Or who can forget his “clutch” performance when his Falcons beat the 4-10 Oakland Raiders at home by three points on a last-second field goal.

In fact, when the regular season ends, Matt Ryan and the Falcons will have played just four games against opponents with a winning record. Coming from behind to beat lesser opponents isn’t clutch. It’s embarrassing. Let’s say you put me up against my neighbor’s daughter in a game of one-on-one buckets on my home court. Should I win an award if I come back to beat her 10-9 after being down 9-6 and on the brink of humiliation? No. What you should do is beat me senseless with a broomstick for not only being down and any point in the game to a girl but also for allowing a girl to even score one point against me.

For the record, Peyton Manning and Tom Brady will have faced six opponents with a winning record at season’s end.


The truth is Matt Ryan isn’t a clutch quarterback, and he sure as shit isn’t the NFL MVP. He’s an above-average quarterback whose average play against below-average opponents has set himself up for fourth quarter comebacks that ESPN Insider KC Joyner has come to label as “clutch performances.” Ryan trails both Tom Brady and Peyton Manning in most statistical categories that matter and even the Total QBR stat that ESPN created. In fact, Ryan leads only one category of that made-up stat, and that is Total EPA.

Based on KC Joyner’s reasoning, we might as well give Alex Smith the NFL MVP award because he leads all quarterbacks in completion percentage. I guess we could give it to Aaron Rodgers since he leads the league in quarterback rating, not to mention the fact that he has five more touchdowns than Ryan and six less interceptions.

But the real issue here lies within the sportswriting community itself. Just last month, Yahoo! Sports’ Eric Adelson said Bears quarterback Jay Cutler should be the MVP even though his quarterback rating at the time was good for 25th in the league. Sadly, it seems as though real journalism is as long gone as Charlie Sheen’s virginity, and it just isn’t trendy anymore for these “writers” to vote for an MVP based on what’s right in front of them: the truth.

Let’s face it. If I run an article entitled Tom Brady Is The NFL MVP, odds are only Patriots fans are going to read it because it really isn’t news. It’s a fact that Tom Brady is that good. But if I run an article entitled Joe Flacco Is The NFL MVP, odds are everybody is going to read it not only to see if I was experimenting with bath salts but also to see what could possibly be out there that gives my article any shred of authenticity. And just like Adelson’s Cutler article last month and Joyner’s article today, if you happen to make it through the entire post, you’ll find that an article like that would feature everything but…

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4 Responses to ESPN Insider Says Matt Ryan Is NFL MVP

  1. Jay says:

    Wow, the closing argument was done really well. I didn’t see that truth nugget coming!

    • tgim says:

      The simple truth is that Adrian Peterson is the NFL MVP. The Vikings would be 3-11 right now without him, and I think even there I am being generous. Instead, they’re a playoff contender. And if the consensus is that only a QB can be the MVP, then I can think of at least four better options that Ryan.

  2. Falconsfan says:

    The fact you said Matt Ryan was not a clutch QB is ridiculous! He has 21 game winning drives in his 1st five seasons. He is 33-4 at home during his NFL Career as a starter!! He has only 4 losses at home in five years!! That is crazy! I don’t believe he is the MVP, but your statement claiming he is not a clutch QB is the most ridiculous sports statement I have ever heard!

    • Con Dempsey says:

      completely agree. this fucktard has clearly got a stick up his ass. clearly jealous that his team doesnt have the mattural.

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